Sex and Trust and Boundaries (Oh My!)

So, sex and trust seem to be hot topics right now on everyone's blogs.  Not surprisingly, we're dealing with the same topics here too.  This last couple weeks have been interesting, because J and I are both really seeing the damage done, the deep affects that have been had on our sexual relationship and how those tie in to trust.

When J started recovery this time around, seriously attending meetings (three times a week for the last month) and trying to get real and honest for once, he decided we needed to take sex off the table.  For three months.  He needed to seriously figure out the difference between lust and passion, unblur lines between our marital relationship and the porn.  This was not an easy decision for him, and frankly I was kinda shocked he came up with the idea on his own.

I've been grateful though.

Really grateful.

I knew I hadn't been enjoying sex for awhile now.  I knew I wanted to avoid it, but tended to just 'go with it' 2-3 times a week, despite the fact it was getting increasingly uncomfortable (instead of less uncomfortable, as I was three months out from having our last baby (this baby had also been my first c-section, after three vaginal births, so I'd been surprised how much sex was kinda hurting this time around).  I knew I felt used and gross afterwards, despite the fact he never tried to bring anything blatantly porn-like in to our sex life.  I told him the other day that there were so many times I just felt like he needed a warm body there, especially since he rarely masturbates with his porn use, as a 'receptacle'.  It's sounds horrible, and crude, but it was how I was feeling.  He cried when I told him that.  He hadn't realized how far we'd drifted apart, especially when it came to sex.  How little I was getting from it -- and in fact, how much I was resenting it.  I didn't really get it either, I blamed it on new baby hormones, despite the fact this has been a long time coming and this area of our marriage has been slowly deteriorating through the years of lies and his porn use.  I knew I recoiled ever so slightly when he reached for me, especially when it was less sweet and more 'grope-y' feeling.  I avoided kissing him.  Sex almost never included making out, or even kissing anymore.  (On my part, not his -- I was the one avoiding looking him in the eye or the intimate contact that comes with kissing).  I was becoming increasingly irritable when he'd reach out and touch me, especially when it was inappropriately out in public (I'd smack his hand a way and remind him that there were other people around, for the love . . . I've been fighting this battle for years)  I felt like he was lying to me, when I asked him if the porn was back and he said 'no'.  It was back, he was lying, and I'm kicking myself that I didn't believe what my gut was trying to tell me. 

My heart still breaks when I think of how much I loved sex when we got married.  And how there's part of me right now that thinks I could go the rest of my life without it.

But, the 'break' has been good.  We're so cuddly and close and he's so much more respectful of my personal boundaries and my body, and I'm not afraid to reach out to hold his hand or kiss him without wondering if I was just 'starting something' I didn't want to finish later.  There's part of me that even wants to have sex with him again -- but at least in part that's 'cause I know I wouldn't actually have to, so it's easy to want it when I don't have to deal with the emotions of actually doing it.

He's having a hard time.  Since he's over a month 'sober', and four weeks in to us not having sex, he's not used to this lack of chemicals in his brain making life easier, emotions mellowed, stress relieved.  He said last night he just wanted to have sex because then he wouldn't be so sad.  I told him that's not bad, in and of itself, and I'm sure stress relief is just one of the many great benefits of worthy marital intimacy -- but for now, he has to learn to feel his emotions, deal with them (for once) and do it without the aide of his 'drug' of porn and sex.  I keep wanting to 'help' him feel better, even thinking a few times, "maybe if we had sex . . . ", (I'm pretty sure this would be a classic example of codependency) but I'm really getting good at stepping back and just holding his hand and saying, "I am sorry you're hurting so bad, but I'm glad you're going through this the way you need to.  Do you want to talk, write in your journal, or just take some time to yourself?" 

I wrote up some boundaries that I felt were necessary for me to heal and I was surprised how much they revolved around sex (not so surprisingly, him being honest was the other big part).  I don't completely understand how boundaries work and how to make them work, but this is what I've come up with -- am I on the right track?  (I put any explanation for blogging purposes in italics).

I need honesty, first and foremost.  I need to not be kept in the dark.  I am strong enough for, kind enough for, mature enough for and worth of the truth.  To treat me otherwise is unacceptable, disrespectful and unfair to me.

I will need space to heal and process acting out or dishonesty.

1.) Acting out (defined as purposefully seeking images, videos, stories, whether clothed or nude, whether overtly sexual or just suggestive, or accidentally coming across these things and not changing the situation immediately.)
      - 1 night of separate sleeping arrangements for the first incident (2 for second, 3 for third, etc.)  The board is wiped clean with 12 weeks of sobriety.  If we are spending large amounts of time (several weeks or a month or more) sleeping in separate beds or rooms, we may need to reevaluate living arrangements.
       - One week without sex after disclosed incident, nonnegotiable on either of our parts, so we both have some time to deal with and work through what we're feeling without using sex to bypass any of what we both need to do to heal.
(I have often reached out with sex after a 'slip up' to assure him I still love him and accept him, blah, blah, blah).

2.) Lying about, hiding, incident(s) of acting out
      - I will require significantly more space as this is the much harder, hurtful and damaging part for me.
      - Sleep elsewhere for a minimum of two weeks (if the dishonesty has continued over a longer period of time, i.e. months, this may need to be increased.)
(J normally does well for awhile between times I've caught on to the fact he's looking at porn again, but once he starts up, he doesn't tell me until I figure it out again -- this means he has often gone 3-6 months of lying to my face, looking me in the eye and swearing up and down he's not looking at porn.  This is obviously a huge sore spot for me, and I've been very clear that I will no longer accept dishonesty in our marriage as some small thing).
      - Still come home in the evenings/weekend, to be with kids, having family meals, etc., but sleep elsewhere.

3.) Instigating sex after a period of any acting out without first informing me what has happened before having sex.
(This right here is one of my single most fragile areas of healing.  SEVEN years ago, I told my husband he could not assume he could have sex with me after looking at porn and pretend that those two things aren't incompatible and unfair to me.  SIX years ago I told him to NEVER again have sex with me when I didn't know he'd looked at porn that day (or any time beforehand without me knowing about it -- at that point in our marriage we were having sex daily, so he was looking at porn during the day and coming home and having sex with me the same day, and the mere thought of that makes me ill and I told him it had to end.)  FIVE years ago, I told him once and for all, this had to stop happening.  This was my boundary, this was practically SACRED to me, and he could not violate this trust any more without expecting it to destroy who I am and how I see our marriage.  We have made no progress on this front, he's lied to me more times than I can count and has had sex with me the very day he's promised he hasn't looked at porn, when in reality he'd spent 6 hours looking at it at work before coming home.  I am done with this.  I will not accept being treated this way or having this in my sex life).
      - For 7 years now I have tried to express just how important this is to me.  This is nonnegotiable.  I will NOT participate in any sex when I am not in possession of all the facts.  It is unacceptable to have sex with me after looking at porn when I am unaware and unable to make an informed decision.  I am saying 'NO' to any sex after porn without my verbal go ahead to proceed after I've been made fully aware of the incident.  To proceed without that, when I am in the dark, is having sex with me when I have said 'no'.  That is marital rape, and it is absolutely unacceptable in every way possible.  I will not tolerate this in my life, ever again.  I have put this as clearly as I can, and to make the choice to lie to me and proceed with sex, will result in dramatic and significant changes in our marriage.
      - I would need significant time and space to feel safe again -- at least a month of living in separate homes.  Complete separation, no family meals, children would need to 'visit' elsewhere, there would not be 'family activities' or time spent altogether.  This would be a very real separation.
      - This cannot ever happen again.  It is so thoroughly and completely disgusting and degrading and disrespectful, that I cannot live with it in my life. I am not to EVER be made to feel 'used' for sex again -- and this is how I feel when you choose to have sex with me without telling me that you've been looking at porn again.  Whether you feel that is what you are doing or not is not the point -- It is how I feel, and it makes me feel used, hurt and worthless and dirty.  This will not happen again without serious and significant consequences to our marriage and relationship.  I have never been as clear about it as I am now, so there are no excuses.  I have said 'no' to sex any and every time you have looked at porn and not told me, you are not allowed to proceed with sex without my go ahead.