I would be lying if I said I don't think about J's pornography addiction multiple times a day.
But, it hasn't been ever present lately. I think about it, in passing, but mostly life has been busy and full and good, and I haven't had the time or effort to put in to thinking about addiction. (Of course, I say that now, and tomorrow I'm gonna be writing about some major blow up or slip up or set back, right?!)
I think I'm making progress. Or I'm just busy. I'm not sure.
I did have a couple things 'trigger' some pretty emotional reactions on my part. (A hasty decision on J's part that cost us a ton of money, and I was angry I hadn't been consulted first -- on one hand, he was just trying to get a project done because he knew how much it was stressing me out, on the other hand, I don't like to be reminded of times where he's made decisions without consulting me because he thinks he knows best (oh, I don't know, something like, "I won't tell HX about this pesky slip up, it's for her own good, she'd just be sad.") But, they brought about good conversations where we both walked away with a better understanding of where the other person is coming from, and what our expectations in marriage and in each other are. We are making real progress in our relationship, and on our own. I've got to be a part of two online meetings now, which I've enjoyed (even with the audio problems last time) :-), and J is starting to make more connections in SA -- even staying 30 minutes afterwards hanging out and talking.
For the most part, it's been a nice little reprieve from the larger drama that this addiction brings in to our lives. Let's hope it lasts for awhile . . . :-)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Writers Block
So, I haven't written much this week -- not here, not in my journal, not anywhere else I usually write.
I've been processing, I guess.
During J's homework for LifeStar, he's been trying to dig a little deeper in to his family of origin 'stuff'. He has great parents, who love him, and are supportive and kind. But, like all of us, it's impossible for all of our needs to be met by our parents all of the time, so we all deal with unmet needs and expectations. And some of those impact people different depending on where they were in life, how they felt about themselves, and what else was going on around them, when they felt like they were alone or disappointing or not enough. Anyway, not too surprisingly, J's laid back, peacemaker, type of personality made him a bit of a rescuer, who often put others people's needs before his own. He's starting to understand this a bit more, I'm starting to understand this a bit more (and seeing my role in exploiting said personality traits. Oops.) But in the midst of this, he also happened to uncover a deep, dark family secret. Like, of the scary kind. And while it didn't directly affect him, it kinda sent me reeling.
As if I wasn't already dealing with this understanding that 'the world is full of some icky crap, and good people get sucked in to it and it can destroys families,' I've had the unpleasant, but necessary, reminder that there is more out there than I'll ever comprehend -- and my job is to teach my kids how to protect themselves, be aware and speak up for themselves in every situation. That I can't sit idly back and assume they'll figure this out without frequent, honest and real conversations about what they're up against. And without the reassurance that they have stronger, older and (hopefully) wiser people backing them up with nothing but love and acceptance. That I've met more than a couple of people who's husbands were first introduced to pornography even younger than my oldest child is now (and that's six!!), and even more people who were molested and abused even younger than that. Our 'stranger danger' conversations of the past seem woefully inadequate, and even a bit pathetic.
Do you ever just stop and marvel at the things you wouldn't have thought to teach your kids if you weren't going through all this -- and from watching other people all go through their own slightly different version of it? I honestly feel like I personally would've been ill-equipped to raise kids in this world without what I've learned in this trial . . . even if there are days I wish I could pretend not to know any of it . . .
I've been processing, I guess.
During J's homework for LifeStar, he's been trying to dig a little deeper in to his family of origin 'stuff'. He has great parents, who love him, and are supportive and kind. But, like all of us, it's impossible for all of our needs to be met by our parents all of the time, so we all deal with unmet needs and expectations. And some of those impact people different depending on where they were in life, how they felt about themselves, and what else was going on around them, when they felt like they were alone or disappointing or not enough. Anyway, not too surprisingly, J's laid back, peacemaker, type of personality made him a bit of a rescuer, who often put others people's needs before his own. He's starting to understand this a bit more, I'm starting to understand this a bit more (and seeing my role in exploiting said personality traits. Oops.) But in the midst of this, he also happened to uncover a deep, dark family secret. Like, of the scary kind. And while it didn't directly affect him, it kinda sent me reeling.
As if I wasn't already dealing with this understanding that 'the world is full of some icky crap, and good people get sucked in to it and it can destroys families,' I've had the unpleasant, but necessary, reminder that there is more out there than I'll ever comprehend -- and my job is to teach my kids how to protect themselves, be aware and speak up for themselves in every situation. That I can't sit idly back and assume they'll figure this out without frequent, honest and real conversations about what they're up against. And without the reassurance that they have stronger, older and (hopefully) wiser people backing them up with nothing but love and acceptance. That I've met more than a couple of people who's husbands were first introduced to pornography even younger than my oldest child is now (and that's six!!), and even more people who were molested and abused even younger than that. Our 'stranger danger' conversations of the past seem woefully inadequate, and even a bit pathetic.
Do you ever just stop and marvel at the things you wouldn't have thought to teach your kids if you weren't going through all this -- and from watching other people all go through their own slightly different version of it? I honestly feel like I personally would've been ill-equipped to raise kids in this world without what I've learned in this trial . . . even if there are days I wish I could pretend not to know any of it . . .
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