Overly Wordy Response . . .

So, on Faithfully Jaded last night, there was a post that really resonated with me!  I've been thinking a lot about some of the same things, so I started writing up a comment -- which turned out to be so ridiculously long that I decided to just post it here! ('Cause, you know, it wouldn't let me post it there in a single comment . . . how's that for wordy!)

Thanks for getting me thinking this morning Jaded!

Check it out:
http://faithfullyjaded.blogspot.com/2012/05/rebellious.html

My comment:
I have lots of thoughts about this :-)  I totally get not watching stuff with the husband -- we don't tend to EVER watch movies together, and rarely TV.  In fact, if he comes in while I'm watching something, I tend to turn it off.  He used to watch more TV, but after last year's big disclosure, he actually pretty much stopped watching it.  Occasionally he watches 'MythBusters' or something else on History or Discovery, but we don't watch any network prime time shows together.  (We got rid of everything but basic cable, and without Food Network, and the fact he was trying to avoid triggers, he just stopped watching completely.)  I watch a ton more TV -- between being home and nursing a baby (I watch a TON while nursing) I am definitely the main consumer of media in our household.  I feel bad about it sometimes, hypocritical, 'cause I watch stuff I wouldn't be comfortable with him watching.  I TOTALLY get what you're saying.  It didn't bug me for a long time.  Just lately though, I've been thinking about this, and praying about it, and have actually recently shaved a few shows off my hulu to-watch list.  It made me a little sad the other day when the kids came in and I turned off what I was watching 'cause I didn't want them to see it (love scene, I think), and I realized that my kids are way more likely to be exposed to smut from me than from their Dad (who never watches porn at home.)  Ugh, that was a bad feeling, and it's made me rethink some things . . . I am pretty sure I need to make some improvements in my media-diet, but man, I'm stubborn and willful and proud and just hate admitting where I'm off base :-)  (Also, I thought of this, which freaked me out and now I have to give it more thought -- My husband shouldn't watch a lot of TV, 'cause commercials are practically pornographic, and he has a 'problem.'  I don't have said problem, so I'm good.  Isn't that my fundamental logic?  Well, what if he was an alcoholic?  He shouldn't drink because he has a problem with it, but then I'd be OK to, 'cause I don't have an issue, right?  Except for the fact I'm raising four little kids, who are all offspring of said 'alcoholic', and for their sake, I would probably need to keep all alcohol out of the house . . . crap, I should probably spend some more time whittling down my hulu list again.  I know it's an imperfect metaphor, but now it's stuck in my head.)

PG-13 movies -- don't get me started, I think they are sometimes WAY more evil than R movies.  They're subversive, they're trying to sneak in as much crap as they can and still get in under the wire, so they're more suggestive and manipulative and icky, a lot of times.  I think 'masking' stuff makes it more powerful than being honest about what's being portrayed, because we don't have our guards up as much and we let more 'seep' in.  Does that make sense?  I think 'no rated-R movies' is a checklist rule -- and we Mormons love checklists :-)  No watching rated R movies, check.  No drinking coffee, tea or smoking, check.  Cover your shoulder and your legs down to your knees, check.  Done, now I'm a good person. (sarcasm :-), just to be clear).  We're much better than at the 'letter of the law' than we are the 'spirit' of the law . . . I think we all need to get to a place where we are led by the Spirit in our decisions (SO much easier said than done).  Do we avoid things that deadens our senses, or drives a way the Spirit?  Do we treasure our bodies and guard our health? (So easy for me to be proud about not smoking or drinking, but do I think twice when I feed my kids whole wheat waffles but down a handful of M&Ms myself for breakfast?) Do we present ourselves in a respectful, confident manner?  Are we charitable, kind and trying to be more Christlike?  I think these are questions God would much rather have us working on than checklists.  My sister in law has HUGE issues with how we teach modesty in this Church -- the whole checklist mentality -- the other day she was mad 'cause some of her YW in her Illinois Ward were mocking one of the girls for wearing a sundress.  My SIL said it was a beautiful, flow-y, feminine sundress that happened to show her (non-endowed) shoulders.  The one girl who was ring leader of the teasing was wearing a Shade-like undershirt as a very tight, revealing top and wearing fishnets with boots and a tight skirt.  My SIL is very 'live and let live' and hadn't thought twice about what either girl was wearing, but said she walked away SO annoyed that the girl in the far more revealing, suggestive outfit got to be up on some high horse because her shoulders were covered when the other girls' weren't, and how that's a really screwy standard of modesty, but how we really feed in to this 'checklist' mentality.

Long story short (too late) -- we all need to figure out where God wants us to be.  We all won't get their overnight, but we can get there with small and gentle course corrections from the Spirit.  And you know what, we can all be told different things and get there different ways! And we're all in different places! We'll make so much more of ourselves that way than by making checklists of all the things we are and aren't supposed to do.  I think one of the most important things we learn in this life is to listen to, and obey, what the Spirit tells us -- and so we just listen for one thing each day that God tells us to do better, and eventually we end up better off.  Crap, now I totally feel like there's another show I need to take off my hulu list -- at this rate I'm not going to have anything to watch! :-)  And like I should stop saying 'crap' so often.  But that isn't happening anytime soon. :-)


Anyway, that was way long winded :-)  I've just been giving this a lot of thought lately, 'cause a couple weeks ago I noticed how different my standards were for him and me, and I've been wondering what changes I need to make while he's been so busy working to make changes in his life.  Still such a work in progress.  :-)  Thanks for giving me more to think about :-)  And I totally could relate to what you wrote!




Edited to add:
There was more discussion going on in the comments from Faithfully Jaded that I wanted to put here so I have 'em for myself -- it was good for me to write out some of my feelings about my own 'rebellion' . . . (hope you guys don't mind me copying and pasting it here!)

Jane wrote:
My Siblings and I have this discussion frequently regarding violence. Here are my thoughts. Bad language, violence, sex scenes all do the same thing. They all drive the spirit out of the room/home and our hearts. I think if you feel awkward watching sex scenes with you husband, trust your gut. Turn it off. Yes- the rated R rule seems a bit arbitrary and some people are hypocritical about the movies they choose. But there is a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that says "it is not meet that we be commanded in all things. " Do we really need the prophet to tell us to quit watching PG-13?

I have just made personal decisions about what I am willing to watch. I can't control what my husband watches but I want the Holy Ghost with me. I NEED the promptings of the spirit daily. I have personally given up a lot of tv shows and movies but to me it's worth it. I don't need to take any more risks regarding the atmosphere in my home.
I know that sounds super self-righteous. In the grand scheme of things a rated R movie isn't a big deal. In fact some of the ones I've seen have had redeeming and inspiring messages. But when Pete hit rock bottom I expected him to be willing to do whatever it took. And then when I found myself in the pits of despair I felt likewise.


I replied:

I was just reading [Jaded's] comment on my blog, and I totally get the 'rebellious phase' thing -- I went through it to even a bigger extreme I think. I remember after our big 'disclosure' last year, I kinda had a 'screw it' period where I was almost like, "Fine, you finally be the one who reads scriptures 30 minutes every day and says prayer and fasts every week -- I'm done being the one in charge of the home and family's spirituality, you handle it," and for a little bit was almost a bit antagonistic about him wanting to do more scripture study together as a couple (he was on this spiritual 'high' after going months without porn, I'd just found out he was lying to me for a year, so I was not so 'high' at the time, and was totally broken and down. I found excuses not to go to Church, I basically refused to wake up early with him to study, I was angry that the Bishop was telling me to go to the temple once a week when he couldn't go at all and I had three young kids at home. It took me a bit to get through my 'rebellious' phase, and it sounds more extreme than yours (I basically realized one day I was missing a lot of peace in my life). I wonder if it's a fairly typical response to the situation?

Jaded wrote:

Oh I am kind of still in that spiritually rebellious stage. It is really hard for me right now to read my scriptures and pray. I hate going to Church and really struggle with it. I did feel the Spirit really strongly last Sunday which was so nice. I felt so peaceful. But I have just had a hard time having such small children even finding the strength or energy to devote to spiritual matters. It's so much easier to just go numb and do nothing. I know I need to do better with my relationship with God because THAT is what gets me through this but sometimes I just don't have an ounce of energy to give to it. I think it's probably a pretty normal response (at least that is what I tell myself to justify it) but I like you am finding I need more peace in my life. Now...getting to the point of actually making the effort is what I'm majorly struggling with.

I wrote:

I totally understand where you're at! I think, for me, it was partly 'cause J started getting closer to God and feeling all great about it, and I was just feeling so crappy I couldn't feel or recognize a lot love in any form, and I was almost bitter he got to feel so good and feel God's love for him, and no matter how hard I prayed, how much I cried, I just felt stupid and unloved. I pulled away -- from both J and God. I also had this attitude of, "OK, if you're finally going to be doing what you're' supposed to, then you're in charge -- you're in charge of knowing what's right for our family, for knowing what God wants for us . . ."
Eventually I wasn't missing Church as often (with four kids, for months and months it'd been pretty darn easy to be like, "One of them is sick, or one of them needs their nap right now" and blow off Church. But I was starting to 'get over' that, but wasn't really praying and reaching out to God like I needed to. Then I found out that J's year of sobriety had been a lie for the last five months, and I felt like I'd left my family so 'unprotected'. Neither of us had been in a good place to spiritually provide for our family. That scared me. God had even been trying to tell me that something was wrong -- that J was looking at porn again, but I believed my husband over the Spirit and over my gut. I decided then and there I needed to get back to where I needed to be -- I needed to be solidly in tune with God and His will for my family, because sometimes I might be the only one who is . . . and I'm raising my kids in this wonderful, but sometimes terrifying, world and I need to be able to know what they need, what I need to teach them, what I need to talk about and be aware of -- this became so 'real' to me all the sudden, that I decided once and for all, I needed to get to where I needed to, irregardless of what J was doing. It was kinda my 'hit rock bottom' moment :-)