Gratitute Attitude

I'm a big believe that 'counting our blessings' is one of the surest ways to get past heartache and pain and feeling down.  I'm better in theory at this than in practice, unfortunately.

So, I've been working on it.  And I'm starting to see the results.  I bought little 3x4" notebooks for J and I, and each night, we say prayers together, then personal prayers, than we climb up on the bed, open our scripture cases and each of us write one page in our little notebook, entirely of things we're grateful for, before we read scriptures.  I can write a list of 8-12 things, or a five or so sentences, or three or four longer thoughts, on one page.  Each night, we take that 2 minutes or so and fill one page each, in our respective 'Gratitude Journals'.  Some days are easier than others, some days I stick with the 'basics' (my husband, kids, home, etc.)  Some days, and they're happening more often, I'm thinking of blessings I almost missed.  Little things that happened during the day that made my day easier or better.  People who come into my day, even just for a minute or so, that helped me along my way.  Overall attitudes and feelings and emotions that are improving.  I'm really noticing that my 'downs' are not as low, nor are they lasting as long.  I'm 'bouncing back' from painful reminders, hard conversations and random triggers quicker and with less heartaches.  I'm thinking about the 'bad stuff' less often, and just going about my day without the ever present 'my husband is a porn addict' fears playing on repeat in the back of my head.    I'm noticing this change because of my gratitude journal.

Some nights, J shares with me what he wrote.  This has been interesting for me too.  He's actually writing that he's grateful that I come to him in my pain, grateful for the hard conversations that prove that in a real way I still trust him with my heart, for the reminder that he can do hard things.  He's grateful for the grueling projects he's been working on at work -- they're giving him a real sense of purpose and accomplishment.  He's grateful for our kids.  I think he obviously already knew that, but writing it out, writing why he is so grateful for them, has been an eye opener for him.  He knew he loved the kids, but there was this selfish part of him that resented them -- resented the attention they 'stole' from him (mainly from me), resented the additional responsibilities in his life, resented coming home after a long day to kids who wanted nothing more than to crawl all over him like a jungle gym.  Don't get me wrong, he's always been a loving and attentive Dad, but the part of him that he's kept buried for so long was getting bogged down in the negative emotions that surround the additional time and effort the kids take on both of our parts.  It's a lot easier for him to look back at 'what we used to have', just the two of us, and just focus on what the kids have 'taken away' from us than what they've added to our lives.  The last couple weeks, as he's given voice to his gratitude, he's realized how much they brighten up his life.  He wrote last night how our three year old little girl saw him working in the backyard on a sprinkler project, and she told her friends they had to go home, 'cause she was gonna go help her Daddy.  She came running outside a minute later complete with an Elmo tool belt on, ready to work alongside her Dad.  All three older kids run to him when he gets home, enveloping him in hugs and kisses and wanting his attention.  He's written about bad days at work being brightened when he came home and the kids squeal with delight at his mere presence.  He's written about how unconditional their love is for him -- and if they love him this much, how much more does his perfect Father in Heaven love him? 

So, the gratitude journal idea is definitely a keeper in our house.  (In fact, I ran to Staples the other day and bought an 12-pack of the small notebooks so we don't ever run out!) :-)

Another thing I'm trying to do is show my gratitude to J.  We've realized in the last couple weeks just how much I was pulling away.  To protect myself, and my heart, I no longer went to him with my problems, my day, my joys or my life.  I was keeping my distance.  We hadn't realized how much so until we started talking all of this out.  I was also taking him for granted.  Sure, I've been hurt, but he's also been such a hands on Father, helpful around the house and with cooking, always there to do little things for me.  So, I was having him get me glasses of water, make the kids dinner when I didn't feel like it, rub my feet when I was pregnant -- none of these are unrealistic expectations of a partner -- but I wasn't reciprocating any of these little things.  I was letting him do it all, because as I saw it, he owed me.  He'd hurt me, shattered all my trust, made me doubt myself and my worth -- he owed me.  (And we see right there why women need recovery work as much as men!) 

So, the last couple weeks I've been really working to let him know how much I appreciate him.  I tell him every night the things that mean so much to me -- everything from going to meetings, to calling me during the day, to helping with the kids when he gets home so I can nurse in peace for once.  I've started shooting him a text message or two a day, with random, but specific, things that I appreciate or love about him.  And giving voice to these things is making me more aware of all the things he does so right, where I was so focused on all the things he was doing wrong for so long.  It's been good for both of us -- he has an added sense of who he is and how he contributes to our family and my happiness, and not just be bogged down in the damage that's been done. 

So, in short, gratitude = good.  And I'm working on it.