Reminder

I was stressing about getting my temple recommend renewed -- it expires the end of this month, and between Mother's Day, Memorial Day Weekend, and then today being my daughter's birthday party with all the extended family gathering at my house, there seemed to be no good time to get over to the Stake President's office for an interview.  Add to that, they don't do recommend interviews on the first Sunday of the month, and because of Stake Conference they wouldn't be doing it the second week of the month either.
Now, logically, I could just let my temple recommend expire the end of May, and get a new one in mid-June and only go a couple weeks without being able to attend the temple.  And, well, it's not like my temple attendance is super stellar (I have four young kids, including one that's nursing, so my once a month right now is pretty darn impressive for me.)  It wouldn't really affect me to have a lapsed recommend for a few weeks.

Except that it was making my stomach all knotted and icky feeling.  We're already down one temple recommend between us around these parts anyway, and I just didn't like the idea of neither of us being able to attend, even if (chances are) I wasn't going to be going in those few weeks anyway.

So, I ditched my in-laws, siblings, parents and kids right as dinner started to get over to the Stake offices during the one hour block on Sunday evenings that is dedicated to temple recommend interviews.  I got there and silently moaned, there were easily a dozen people there in front of me.  I still wasn't quite sure why I was missing my kids' birthday party to be here, waiting forever for a few minutes with a member of the Stake Presidency.  I did have a couple thoughts floating around in my head -- how I hoped my interview would be with the Stake President himself, and not one of his two (very nice) counselors, since the Stake President is one of the warmest, sweetest, most grandfatherly men I've ever met.  I also secretly wanted to ask him for a blessing, since I realized sitting there I haven't asked for once since this latest round of disclosures over a month ago.  But, there was a line of people, and I knew I couldn't ask him to take the time.

Anyway, I watched as the crowd slowly thinned, keeping my fingers crossed that when it was my turn it would be with the Stake President.  And lo and behold, it worked out that way.  I sat across from him in two chairs facing each other in the corner of his office.  With no paper in front of him, he started to ask me the temple recommend questions.  Having just answered the same questions not four hours before with the second counselor in our Bishopric, it was all very routine.  Until he asked the last question that is typically asked, then stopped, smiled and said, "I have one more question."  I was a bit surprised, since the interview is standard and I wasn't expecting anything different than any other time I've had this same interview.  "HX, do you know how much your Heavenly Father loves you?" 

I started to cry.

"I think I do," I said. " I'm trying to remember that, I know He does.  I just . . . well . . . I just want Him to speak up sometimes.  I mean, I know that's not how it works, it's just I can hear all this ugliness being hurled at me, lies I hear inside my head, and I just want to hear God above it all.  I want Him to be louder than all that.  But, for now, I'm working every day to try to get closer to where I need to be so I can hear the small and quiet ways God tells me that He loves me.  But sometimes, I want Him to speak up . . . "  I whimpered into the tissue he'd just handed me. 

"Well, we just experienced that . . . this is not something I typically ask in one of these interviews.  God just wanted you to know how much He loves you.  How valuable you are to Him.  He loves you so much, and he's proud of you.  Now stand up and give me a hug."  (Seriously, the cutest little grandfatherly man you've ever met.) 

Sometimes, God speaks up.  And I couldn't be more grateful.