Update

So, my last post was all about how tired and weary I was feeling.  Four young kids, a toddler with night terrors and a baby who refuses to sleep through the night, and that's not really that surprising.  So, for awhile now, I've kept thinking it made sense -- of course I'm exhausted and tired and want to sleep for just one stretch of several hours without anyone needing me.  But, it was getting to be too much -- I was not only tired, but physically and emotionally weary all the time.  It can't be normal to feel this way.

So, I called my doctor again, wanted my thyroid checked and stuff like that.

The blood work came back.  I have some big challenges ahead of me to get me back to normal -- my thyroid function is fortunately fine.  But, I'm so severely anemic that I'm we're talking about such options as IVs/hospital visits to start to rebuild some iron stores.  There's also several other levels that are so drastically low that my doctor commented she was shocked I was able to put one foot in front of the other, let alone care for four young kids.

So, I'm kind of just reeling right now.  I'm not happy with my doctor and how she's handled things (i.e., I've been anemic in the past, and called several times in the last couple months asking questions about thyroid issues, since I was so run down and losing piles of hair still, and not only did she never have me come in, she wasn't even returning my calls.)  I feel kinda stupid I didn't push things more, when I knew on one level that something was wrong, but you just have to understand how tired I am.  Pushing someone wasn't even a possibility in my mind.  So, I'm taking my lab results and seeing a new doctor.

On one hand I'm hopeful that now that we've identified the problem (or several of them), we can start to rebuild me from the ground up and maybe there's a possibility I won't forever be a zombie in my own life.  Wish me luck.  The other part of me is just sad and scared that I'm having a health crisis I've ignored for too long.  I'm afraid of the long road, and I wonder how long it'll be 'til I start to feel better and like myself again.  Prayers, please.  :-)

Apparently I Can Swing One Update a Quarter :-)

Hey everyone!  I know I've been totally M.I.A., but I have been reading your blogs.  I always mean to comment, and I'm thinking of all of you, I just haven't had the mental energy to compose actual responses or blog posts :-)

Things are going pretty good.  Recovery wise I'm not doing everything I need to, but I'm doing something, so that's better than nothing.  Life has me, not down, but kinda down?  Does that make sense?  I'm not depressed per se, just overwhelmed I guess.  I feel like, for lack of better words, I'm drowning in motherhood.  I love my kids, more than words, but MAN is motherhood exhausting sometimes.  I feel like I'm living in that movie Groundhog Day, but with far, far, far more poop, vomit and snot.  I know this is just a time and a season -- I have four kids between 10 months and 6 years old, so it feels so relentless with the constant care of their every need.  I wake up and nurse the baby, then start on feeding them all food, then clean up from said food making, then I swear it's time to feed someone else.  In between I change diapers.  Rinse and repeat.  The problem is the more overwhelmed I feel, the less productive I'm becoming.  I'm finding way too many excuses to just curl up with the kids and let them watch PBS while I watch something on Hulu on the laptop.  I feel too tired to do much more.  I want to sleep again from the time I wake up.  My baby is FINALLY starting to sleep a little better, and the two middle kids take turns waking up all night from nightmares, being thirsty, needing their covers pulled back up.  And my husband is a total saint when it comes to this -- he handles almost everything with any kid who doesn't nurse at bedtime and during the night, but it still wakes me up.  Again and again.  I feel like I have NOTHING left at the end of the day.  Which makes me feel guilty for how little my husband gets from me.  And guilt just makes me feel more tired.  He's been awesome, trying to help out more, taking the kids off my hands, sending me out shopping with my sisters, doing more of the cooking -- and I feel so wiped out at the end of the day once the kids are down I want to curl up with a book or veg out and watch something mindless (and he doesn't watch any almost TV or movies anymore, so it's not something we can do together), and I want to be ALONE.  I don't want anyone to need me, to touch me, to be too close, I just want a quiet room where I'm left alone.  But I feel bad that here my husband is being super Dad, and after getting the three older kids down for bed all on his own, he just wants to spend time with me.  He wants to talk, he wants to cuddle, I'm sure he'd like to have sex, and all I can think of is how much I want to be left alone, untouched and in quiet solitude.  He's really understanding about it, but I feel like if I turn him away at every turn, I'm being selfish.  And not a 'not taking care of myself, only worry about others, dysfunctional' kinda way -- but in a true partnership, my needs shouldn't always trump his, so I need to figure out this balance. 

I keep telling myself I just need to make it to the baby being a year old, then everything will get better.  I'm not quite sure why I think that though, it's not like it'll magically change, but in my head, we'll hit a year and I'll get more of a routine down, we'll accomplish more, I'll keep my house cleaner, I'll carve out more time to exercise and take care of myself, I'll wake up early and get ready before the kids up . . . but it's pretty unrealistic to think this will all just flip on like a switch just 'cause the baby turns a year old. 

So yeah, drowning in motherhood is the best way I can describe my life right now.  Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely grateful for my incredible blessings -- four beautiful, amazing kids, a loving husband who's working his recovery like a rock star, and my opportunity to stay home with the kids without it being financially devastating to us.  I see God's hand all over the place in my life, and I'm really, truly grateful and happy for all my blessings.  But I'm tired (really, really, really tired.)  I feel slow and useless as unfinished projects outnumber the finished ones, I feel ungrateful and frankly, kinda stupid, for my dwindling spiritual progression (for the first time in our married life, I'm not consistently reading scriptures at night -- I think all day I should do it while I'm more awake and not as exhausted and it doesn't happen -- and more and more I just end the night with a quick prayer with my husband than roll over and fall asleep without reading even a superficial amount of scriptures and without saying my personal prayers.  I'm not quite sure why I'm being such a slacker in this area.  I may not have always had the most meaningful of scripture study, but even just out of habit I read every single day of our marriage (unless I was in labor! :)), and it's not just scriptures that are falling by the wayside, my prayers are fizzling out to something far less meaningful than I'd prefer.  I'm working on it, it's just slow going as I work my way back to something closer to where I want to be.
And, just to update on all aspects of our family story -- my husband is doing well in recovery.  Really well in fact.  When my burn out was escalating, I asked him if he could scale back meetings (he was gone 3 times a week, including a mix of group therapy (LifeStar), LDS PASG and SA meetings), and we've settled into a more workable routine of one LifeStar meeting a week (Tuesday evenings) and one SA meeting (Saturday morning).  It's helped a lot to have him around more, and it seems to be a nice mix for him.  He had been alternating SA and PASG meetings, but he's settled into just attending SA as he feels it's a better fit for him, and the scheduling works out better for us.  He misses the PASG meetings, but really feels like while doing LifeStar that the SA combination is working best.  He isn't working the steps the way I expect -- silly expectations -- but when I stop and look I really see him working.  (He hasn't finished his Step 4 Inventory in the last 6-7 months, but he is consistently working the LifeStar program and I'm learning to see that his progress is tremendous and I need to let go of some of my expectations of how this whole recovery thing should go.)  He goes to SA and participates and reads and studies, but he is currently focusing on his pretty intense homework load from LifeStar while he is in the program.  I expressed frustration at one point that he wasn't 'working the steps', and he pointed out gently that he is working them, just differently, and that while he was attending and paying for LifeStar that is where he was going to put his focus for now.  Which makes sense.  And it really does cover so much of the personal exploration and honesty that the steps do, just in different ways and through different means.  And I really don't want to discount the step work he is doing -- he loves his SA meetings and he does actively work on turning things over to God and to study the steps while he's at SA or working with his sponsor, it's just not currently the 'homework' he's doing.  He's making real progress.  After so, so, so many false starts, he really does seem to be 'getting it' this time.  He's so honest and open and he's making real connections with the men in his LifeStar group and in SA (one of the reasons he prefers SA is he feels like it's been more conducive to forming bonds with the other people there -- the LDS meetings were filled with different people from week to week, with little to no visiting afterwards.)  He emails, texts and calls others -- and while not a 'sponsor' per se, he has several men who text him when they need someone to lean on.  He recently told both his sister and my brother about his struggles, in hopes of helping them with some things they're dealing with in our lives, (meaning all of our siblings and parents now know) and has reached out to a couple brothers in our Ward that the Bishop asked him to talk to and has gone to meetings with them.  He's shed layers and layers of shame and really seems to love himself in a new way.  People comment on him having more personality, being more open and funny and talkative.  He got a big promotion at work.  Things seem to be going really, really well for him.  I feel confident in his honesty to me.  I wish I could say this means I don't suddenly burst into tears over some trigger or another, or that I don't have moments (days?  weeks?) where I don't wallow in self-pity-filled thoughts of, "What if it comes back?  What happens to our lives then?  What if I'm too fat?  Too ugly?  What if he's only pretending to love me?  To find me attractive? What if he's just being so sweet because he feels guilty?  What if none of this is real?"  It just goes to show that a.) this crap does a number on a wife's head, and b.) this is why I have my own recovery to work. 

So, long story short (too late), life is good.  It really, really is.  I'm just tired.  And I'm falling short in some areas I need to improve on (productivity, being more 'present' for my kids for more of the day, physically taking care of myself better, spiritually and on my relationship with my husband), but I think things are headed in the right direction.  And hey, my baby will be a year old soon.  Then everything will get better.  Right?  Right??  :)  (I really need to learn to let that expectation go, or I'm gonna be sorely disappointed (and still tired) when his birthday comes!)

Update on Life

I have passing thoughts on stuff I could blog about.  I even start composing it in my head, preparing to sit up to the computer and start typing.

But then someone usually dumps a bowl of cereal on the carpet or has a blow out diaper.

Life's been busy.

I feel like I'm getting to a progressively better place emotionally in terms of recovery.  But I'm left with this feeling of just being stuck.  Trapped, almost.  Sinking, maybe?  Not strong feelings of these things, nothing overwhelming, they're just there and making me feel claustrophobic. It's not even by the porn stuff, though it plays a part.  I'm at that stage in life with small children.  Really small.  And lots of 'em.  :-)  I wake up, nurse the baby, feed the kids, change diapers, clean messes.  Lots of messes.  Then there's more diapers.  And more messes, and more diapers, and sometimes it's those diapers making messes outside of the confines of the diaper, and those messes are the worst.  There's laundry that is never done, dishes that are never done, and cooking (ugh, the cooking) that is most definitely never done.  My husband has been working a lot lately.  Like ridiculous amounts.  We've been busy with family events, there's just been a lot on our plates, and while the change of scenery has been nice as we've travelled hundreds of miles recently to various family functions, I feel like I spend most days locked inside the ever closing in walls of my house.  It's almost not worth the effort to load four kids in to carseats and boosters to go anywhere, not to mention schedule outings around naps, and then handle public meltdowns when they happen -- so we stay home a lot.  (Add to that my kids have all been passing around a nasty summer bug, and we've spent the last three weeks with at least one kid, usually more, too sick to even go out in public.)  I feel cut off, I think.  Last year J and I both had intensive Church callings, that while stressful, gave us links and connections with other people that I'm realizing that we're both feeling the loss of now that we both have different callings that require far fewer interactions with far fewer people in the Ward.  I think I have some cabin fever going on here -- feeling isolated and trapped.  I told J the other day that my world seems very, very 'small', and feels like it's getting smaller every day.  The longer the kids are sick, the more hours J has to work, and the more behind I get behind on housework -- it all lends to this feeling like I'm stuck in this Groundhog's day where the only change is the color of my kids' snot and an ever growing pile of laundry. 

I've also been stressing about my budget.  I recently figured J's monthly group therapy costs into our budget, as well as the nearly $120 a month he's spending in gas to get to various meetings and group, and I started to cry.  Between unexpected repair bills, aforementioned family stuffs, and life in general, we went $818 over budget last month.  Ugh.  We're fortunate enough that we have some backup in place to cover such overages, but I just realized that with therapy in the mix, not to mention the driving to and from such things, we have eliminated any and all wiggle room in our budget -- in fact, we're in the 'drawing money out of savings most months' zone, and it's stressing me out.  And, just between you and me Internet, it's making me a tiny bit bitter about the money being spent on recovery.  Which is stupid -- is there ANY better investment in our family than this!?  And it's going well -- J is becoming this new person right in front of my eyes.  He's open, transparent and vulnerable -- he reaches out to me and others -- emailing with and calling guys from group and from SA to lend support and comfort in their trials.  And with the exception of one very minor slip almost two months ago, he's like 16 weeks into a sober recovery.  After working long hours for way too many days straight, he was getting ready to go in to work late one Sunday night, and he pulled me aside before leaving and said, "Hey hon, when I was upstairs getting ready for work, I had this thought that I could just go look at porn, and nobody would have to know . . . I'm telling you this 'cause I don't want that to be my solution . . . I know I'm just bummed and a little angry that I have to work again, I'm tired and just done with work right now, and now I'm gonna have to work overnight and then sleep all day tomorrow . . . wanting to look at porn is just me wanting to escape how hard this last couple weeks of work have been, and there's better ways for me to do this . . . "  Seriously, how is that not worth the money we're spending? 

Now that I've spewed out my frustrations, I want you to know that I'm actually doing just fine.  I'm happy with my life.  It's hard and monotonous and stressful and messy at times (both figuratively and literally), but I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am well aware that for everything there is a time and a season -- and my mantra in parenting and life is 'it's just a phase'.  I'm in a phase right now -- it's kinda hard with the sick kids, the not sleeping, the overworked husband, and all the recovery stuff -- but there are plenty of evidences in my life that God loves me and is watching out for my family.  I should probably go and write some of those in my journal right now . . . dang, soon as I go change a poopy diaper . . .

Life

I would be lying if I said I don't think about J's pornography addiction multiple times a day.

But, it hasn't been ever present lately.  I think about it, in passing, but mostly life has been busy and full and good, and I haven't had the time or effort to put in to thinking about addiction.  (Of course, I say that now, and tomorrow I'm gonna be writing about some major blow up or slip up or set back, right?!)

I think I'm making progress.  Or I'm just busy.  I'm not sure.

I did have a couple things 'trigger' some pretty emotional reactions on my part.  (A hasty decision on J's part that cost us a ton of money, and I was angry I hadn't been consulted first -- on one hand, he was just trying to get a project done because he knew how much it was stressing me out, on the other hand, I don't like to be reminded of times where he's made decisions without consulting me because he thinks he knows best (oh, I don't know, something like, "I won't tell HX about this pesky slip up, it's for her own good, she'd just be sad.")  But, they brought about good conversations where we both walked away with a better understanding of where the other person is coming from, and what our expectations in marriage and in each other are.  We are making real progress in our relationship, and on our own. I've got to be a part of two online meetings now, which I've enjoyed (even with the audio problems last time) :-), and J is starting to make more connections in SA -- even staying 30 minutes afterwards hanging out and talking. 

For the most part, it's been a nice little reprieve from the larger drama that this addiction brings in to our lives.  Let's hope it lasts for awhile . . . :-)

Writers Block

So, I haven't written much this week -- not here, not in my journal, not anywhere else I usually write.

I've been processing, I guess.

During J's homework for LifeStar, he's been trying to dig a little deeper in to his family of origin 'stuff'.  He has great parents, who love him, and are supportive and kind.  But, like all of us, it's impossible for all of our needs to be met by our parents all of the time, so we all deal with unmet needs and expectations.  And some of those impact people different depending on where they were in life, how they felt about themselves, and what else was going on around them, when they felt like they were alone or disappointing or not enough.  Anyway, not too surprisingly, J's laid back, peacemaker, type of personality made him a bit of a rescuer, who often put others people's needs before his own.  He's starting to understand this a bit more, I'm starting to understand this a bit more (and seeing my role in exploiting said personality traits.  Oops.)  But in the midst of this, he also happened to uncover a deep, dark family secret.  Like, of the scary kind.  And while it didn't directly affect him, it kinda sent me reeling.

As if I wasn't already dealing with this understanding that 'the world is full of some icky crap, and good people get sucked in to it and it can destroys families,' I've had the unpleasant, but necessary, reminder that there is more out there than I'll ever comprehend -- and my job is to teach my kids how to protect themselves, be aware and speak up for themselves in every situation.  That I can't sit idly back and assume they'll figure this out without frequent, honest and real conversations about what they're up against.  And without the reassurance that they have stronger, older and (hopefully) wiser people backing them up with nothing but love and acceptance.  That I've met more than a couple of people who's husbands were first introduced to pornography even younger than my oldest child is now (and that's six!!), and even more people who were molested and abused even younger than that.  Our 'stranger danger' conversations of the past seem woefully inadequate, and even a bit pathetic.

Do you ever just stop and marvel at the things you wouldn't have thought to teach your kids if you weren't going through all this -- and from watching other people all go through their own slightly different version of it?  I honestly feel like I personally would've been ill-equipped to raise kids in this world without what I've learned in this trial . . . even if there are days I wish I could pretend not to know any of it . . .

LifeStar Update

I've had a couple people ask about LifeStar.

I thought I'd fill you in on how it's gone so far.

First off, remember that it's only J going (I'm home with the kids and a nursing baby and it just didn't seem feasible for me to go at this time.)  We've been in the thick of porn addiction for awhile now, and at this point in our lives are fairly well read up on it.

Anyway, so a lot of Phase 1 of LifeStar is geared towards being educational.  I was worried this would equate to a lot of 'review' for J, but there has been a lot of new information.  Plus, I think sometimes the addicted brain has to hear things three or four times (and from someone other than the spouse) before it really starts to sink in, so I'm almost amused when J comes home and shares with me something he's learned.  That I've told him before.  :-)

He's really enjoying the opportunity.  He feels like he's getting something out of each meeting.

I already wrote about how we kinda went the rounds on him doing homework or not.  He did wrap up his week 2 homework on his own, without any further prompting on my trying-hard-to-not-be-co-dependent behalf.  I did kinda inwardly groan though when I saw his rushed through and not super in depth look at his family of origin work.  He mentioned more than once over a couple days how there just wasn't anything 'there' with his family stuff.  I disagreed ('cause we are all products of our environment -- it shapes us, whether we have the best parents, the worst parents, or like most of us --in between, we are all shaped by our family.)  But, I kept it to myself. 

Here's the thing -- my husband was the peacemaker growing up.  The easy going one.  The laid back one.  The one who never upset his Mom.  Part of this is just who he is.  Part of it was the role he was expected to play in his family.  He chalks it up to just being what his personality is -- his siblings could cause problems and voice their disagreements -- but not J, he was the peacemaker. 

There was two full pages of journaling space in one are of his homework workbook to discuss some of these issues.  J briefly wrote that he didn't feel like he could come to anyone with his problems, but that was his own fault because it was his personality.  That his Mom was loving and kind, that his Dad was nice and a good provider.  The end.  OK, so it didn't say 'the end' . . . actually, it trailed off mid-sentence.  But it was about three sentences in a two page space.  Basically stating that everyone else was fine, it was just his personality at the root of all these problems.

I thought about this for about 24 hours.  I didn't want to tell him to get back in to the book, delve a little deeper, and for the love, some introspection and honesty would be nice.  I just sat and thought about it.  Then about two hours before he left for his meeting, I asked him if it would be alright for me to share with him something I was thinking about his meeting that night.  He agreed.  I told him that I was glad he'd gotten the homework done, and that I truly hoped he'd gotten something out of it.  And that before he left for his meeting I wanted to share something I'd been thinking about.  I told him how things my parents said and did affected me, for both good and bad.  J knows how ridiculously close I am to my family (I see multiple members of my family on a nearly daily basis) . . . and how I wouldn't have traded parents for anyone in the world.  But how there were things they said or did that hurt me, that affected how I saw myself, and how I felt about myself, and how I handled things in life.  I told him that I wanted to pay special attention to the things that had both good and bad impacts on my life, so I could figure out how to use them, or discard them, in my own child rearing adventures.  I reminded him that I adore his parents -- that I feel lucky to have the in-laws that I have -- but that it hurts me to see him go through all these pages of family history work and to only point out what was 'wrong with him'.  That his parents, and siblings, were flawed people too.  We all are.  And we're not being disloyal, or shifting blame, if we figure out how these relationships actually affected us and how we fit in our family.  I just didn't want him to lose out on any of the great insights he could gain from his meeting that night, because he was stuck on the idea that 'this is just my personality, it wasn't anything my family did or said."  Then I gave him a kiss and sent him off to his meeting.

When he got home that night, he said he'd thought about it the whole drive there (about 45 minutes or so).  He was there a bit early, so he went back through and wrote in some more comments, and came up with a couple new examples of 'closed' or 'rigid' family rules.  (His examples before had been lame, and focused entirely on his relationship with siblings, never mentioning anything with his parents.)  With his mind more open to this idea that maybe, just maybe, his interactions with his parents, combined with his personality, is what created some of his fear of sharing his true feelings.  At his core, J is afraid to hurt people, afraid to disappoint them.  And, as he's starting to see, that does go all the way back to childhood and it is part personality and partly the expectations that were placed on his as the 'good' kid.  He was able to uncover some really key experiences where he felt deep shame and embarrassment, that surrounded the beginning of porn use in his young life.  He came home excitedly with a drawing that completely mapped out his and his Mom's dependent/co-dependent relationship.  For the first time, he was seeing how things affected him from his childhood and from how he feels like he fits in to the family.  It wasn't about 'blaming' anyone, but about increasing self-awareness and understanding.

Anyway, that was a long meandering journey off topic, but basically, I just wanted to share some of his experience with his Week 3 meeting, and our own interactions surrounding it.

Back to LifeStar more specifically -- J is really uncovering some universal truths about the negative power of shame, about the positive power of vulnerability, and about the awesome power of openness -- and he's really diving in to it.  He rewatches the videos at home on YouTube, he is getting a couple books by the discussed authors that he wants to read.  It's reshaping how he sees his pornography addiction, and the power it holds, and it's giving him some very real ways to go about replacing it with something better and more enriching. 

J has enjoyed the three classes he's been to so far, and looks forward to the next week.  He has walked away from every meeting feeling like he learned at least one big thing that sticks with him and that he wants to implement in his own life. 

So far, so good.

Progress

So, I had about 24 hours of gifted peace, then I started getting antsy :-)

J came home from work yesterday, and he was sad and down and feeling crappy -- all because he's disappointed in himself from the day before.  Totally normal feelings -- but, codependent me was getting more on more on edge about it.  I hate when he's sad or mopey, 'cause I just sit there stewing about whether this is gonna be the excuse to look at porn or not.  So, I was trying my best to detach.  Give myself from space from the situation . . . which is where I went wrong . . .

Before dinner time, I told him I'd got get everything ready for dinner, and he could stay upstairs and work on his LifeStar homework in peace.  I figured it would give us both some space away from each other and feeling this need to 'talk about it', plus, he hadn't had a chance to even start this week's booklet from LifeStar, and his next meeting is tomorrow.  Win-win, right?

Um, not really.  I was basically telling him to get his homework done.  When he made some comment about maybe not wanting to do it right then, I 'suggested' that he take the time when he had it, and get to work.

Yeah, I'm not trying to control anything here, am I?! :-/

Later, I could tell he was a little distant, and I asked if he was mad at me for pushing the homework thing.  He admitted he was.  From his stand point, he's spending a ton of time on recovery work, so for me to push him about getting more done on my time table, not his, makes him feel like I don't have any faith in him.

I apologized, and admitted it was none of my business to tell him when to do his homework, and I shouldn't have pushed.  I told him how much I appreciated all the work he was doing, and I know recovery work alone was practically a part time job for him right now.  And it means the world to me that he's putting in so much effort.

But. (Always a 'but', that's why this is called 'progress' and not 'perfection'.)  My pushing was coming from my own feelings of fear and resentment.  I shouldn't have told him what to do, I should have told him how I was feeling. 

Last week, when he'd gone to his second meeting without all of his homework finished, it was like a kick in the stomach to me.  We are paying a lot of money to do this, and for me to feel like he's not really committed to it beings up all my feelings of fear, insecurity and worries about our future -- not to mention, a little ill when I look at our budget this month.

Admittedly, I'm also holding on to the past a bit.  Years ago, in our second year of marriage, we spent a ton of money going to counseling for this as a couple -- and J never once did the homework, wrote in his journal, kept track of his triggers, not one assignment from the counselor was followed through on.  In hindsight, he admits that a.) he didn't really get the magnitude of his problem, and b.) didn't actually want to change anything.  So, for him to not complete the homework just sends me back to six years ago.  This brings out my fears of it this just being one more time I get my hopes up, and him not really wanting to give it up.  And, dude, the money.

I'm also, admittedly, a little jealous.  I don't get to do this with him, with the young baby and all it just doesn't work for my schedule -- and I would love to do it.  But, I don't have the opportunity, and it's hard for me to not think, "I'd do all my homework . . . "  As in all things in recovery, I don't want any of it to be punitive to him -- penance for past mistakes -- I want it to be edifying, helpful, something that makes his journey better and easier.  So, here we are paying good money for him to have more tools, more understanding, and for him to not even complete the homework makes me a little sick to my stomach.  Missed opportunities and all that.

Also, life is pretty busy for us right now.  Neither of us are getting nearly enough sleep, and we're staying up ridiculously late almost every night.  Trying to schedule time for his homework kinda needs to be a joint effort -- I need to know when he needs a block of time with no distractions.  He needs to hear from me that it's OK to take that time for himself -- J is, for the first time in his life, learning to ask for what he needs.  And he's not very good at it yet :-)  (With being at meetings several times a week, he feels back about taking away more time from the family, leaving me with all four kids to get to bed on my own, etc.)  So, one issue with homework is that it never gets done because we never set aside time for it, and it's either do it at 12:30AM (he wakes up before 6AM for work), or get some sleep.  I was trying to encourage him to take the time while the boys were napping and the girls were at friends and I was working on dinner, because it wasn't time being taken away from family time -- I should've just told him what I was thinking about our schedule for the evening, and then let him decide what to do with his 'free time', not just tell him it was time to work on homework. 

I had every right to share with him how his actions were making me feel -- but no right to tell him what to do different.  I want the change to come from within him, not 'cause I'm hounding him.  And, left to his own devices, he really does get a ton of his own stuff done.  (Just not always what I want him to get done -- and I need to drop this idea that my way is the 'right' way.)

So, he has almost no homework done for tomorrow night's meeting.  And I'm not going to say another word.  And, you know what, there's a real chance that without a single prompting from me he'll get it all done on his own terms and won't that mean even more?  And, even if he doesn't finish, it doesn't negate all the other great things he's doing recovery-wise. 

So, I didn't handle things well, but we talked about it, and I think we both learned a little more about how to handle things in the future.

So, no more hounding.  In theory.

Day 1

Well, that was kind of ironic.

Same day I post about how I need to go back to Step 1, my husband ends up back at day 1. 

79 days of sobriety, back to day 1.

And you know what, we're both doing good.  In fact, I'm feeling more peace than I have all week.  Really.  What a blessing that I was already focusing on getting back to Step 1, today of all days. 

And I'm so proud of him.  He called me as soon as he left work, I could tell by his shaking voice that it was gonna 'be bad'.  He told me that he'd been working on this project in Excel all day, it was frustrating and he wasn't making the progress he wanted to, so he hopped online.  This always ends well, right?  Well, he got into an inappropriate web comic he's read in the past.  After a couple minutes realized, 'Holy crap, what am I doing!?', got up and walked away for a bit, came back to his desk, finished work and called me as soon as he was out of the building in the afternoon. 

Was I disappointed?  Yeah, but for him, not in him.  I was moved by his honesty and disappointment.  He couldn't believe he'd done something 'so stupid', as he kept putting it.  He wasn't minimizing in the least, and given the circumstances, he easily could have. 

Here's the thing -- it wasn't nudity.  Not even cartoon nudity.  ('Just' scantily clad drawings of women).  He could've handled it a number of ways -- I left the door for him to handle it however he felt best, and I was quite ready to accept any number of possible decisions from him.  Sobriety date reset to zero, or move on to day 80 tomorrow after a 'close call'?  Either way, I was supportive.  But he looked at his actions -- getting online specifically to go to a 'dangerous' site for him, as it's something he's looked at before while 'easing in' to a porn session, and the intent -- that he knew he was looking for something titillating.  (Even if he didn't really realize he was doing it until he was a couple minutes in.)  And the danger of looking at it at work. He decided it was 'bad enough', and he chose to treat this exactly like any other time he was looking for porn. 

He's downstairs in the spare bedroom right now.  I really could've gone either way on that too, I wasn't mad, I wasn't hurt, I didn't need my space -- but he said for him it had to be 'all in'.  So, one night downstairs. 

J loves to work with wood, and has turned himself a beautiful wood ring for his recovery.  The plan has always been to smash the ring if he acted out and build a new one and start over.  He just put the pieces in the little ceramic bowl by our TV, next to his 30 day and 60 day sobriety tokens that he's planning to return at his next SA meeting, and he'll get to work on a new ring tomorrow.

A fresh start.

And today was a manifestation of what we've been working on -- I loved how we handled it.

Him with complete honesty and humility, trying his very best not to minimize and coming to his own conclusions about his actions and their consequences.  

Me with a real sense of peace.  I didn't take it personally.  I was proud of how he was addressing it so openly, and touched by his disappointment and resolve to do better.  I detached -- go me! :-)

At first he asked, "I don't know what to do about sobriety dates -- does this count, or not?" 
"I don't know hon, that's up to you.  Why don't you think about it for awhile, and we can talk about it later."

Later he said, "What does this mean for our 'weeks'?"  (We've been doing 7 weeks of sensate focus, as outlined in And They Were Not Ashamed, as we're working our way back to full physical intimacy, and he was concerned with what kind wrench he'd just thrown in to things.) 
"Why don't you think about it, tell me what you come up with, and we'll discuss it from there."

"Should I sleep downstairs tonight, what about the ring?"
"You decide what you think makes sense."

Later he thanked me for putting it all back in his lap, and for letting him handle it.  I told him again how much I appreciated his honesty, and what it meant that he'd take this seriously (possibly even more serious than I would've, but I didn't tell him that), and so humbly 'start over' with everything -- and that I was amazed by his progress and the transformation I'm watching right before my eyes.  He told me how much it meant to him that he could come to me and that he could talk to me, that he could feel loved and accepted despite anything going on, and that I trusted him to make the right decisions.

Dang, I think we're making progress.  :-)

Step 1 Kinda Week

I was on an emotional roller coaster last week.  It took me several bouts of body wracking tear fests to realize that I wasn't where I needed to be.  At Jane's suggestion, I realized I was too wrapped up in everything going on, in my husband's recovery (even as it's going well), and I needed to detach.  To get out of the car for a bit. J and I talked, talked about some ground rules for the next week, and are giving me some space to get away from some of it for a bit.  This is such a delicate dance to try and figure out -- on one hand, I need his honesty for my own feelings of healing and security -- but, getting too immersed in this world of addiction leaves me hopeless and sad.  He has never felt more emotional intimacy, or vulnerability, in his entire life as he brings me his heartaches, pains, disappointments and frustrations, but runs the risk of becoming codependent himself as bringing me his pain becomes his sole means of handling it.  At first I was ready to just cut off, even contemplating having him spend a night or two at his parents, so I could have some time and space to myself to process for a few days.  I wanted him to stop talking to me altogether about it, to find someone else to talk to for a week or two (a very valid, and necessary step to take sometimes, like Marlee mentioned in her car analogy) -- then we went to a friend's wedding.  The Bishop performing the ceremony spoke some truly beautiful words -- that felt like they were directed to me and an answer to prayers.  The one that stood out the most, was after a dramatic pause, he said, "Tell each other your secrets, for then they hold no power."  I almost started to cry.  I have felt this as we've truly opened up to each other this last couple months.  I need some space, but mostly because I haven't been doing what I need to be doing.  But, he needs me to be there for him as he's working so hard right now and rebuilding our emotional intimacy, and for the first time being truly vulnerable with someone.  We talked about it afterwards, and I realized that I did need some space.  I needed some time to work on my own healing and process my own emotions.  But, as of right now, for us, it wasn't the time for me to disengage as much as I'd originally planned.  But we did talk about him needing to get this whole sponsor thing down more -- he needs to have other people he goes and talks with outside of meetings.  I need to figure out a sponsor (any takers?!) and get back to meetings.  Figure out babysitting and stop making excuses.  And we'll reevaluate in a week or so, and figure out what is working best for both of us. 

I find as we get further into recovery things are almost becoming more painful.  As I'm in a safe enough place emotionally to deal with the aftermath of his decisions, they are taking on new light and new pain as I truly process some of my feelings for the first time.  That said, the highs are so much higher.  I feel truly bonded to, affectionate towards, and loving with my husband in new ways.  Once I can get through the most recent trauma, I truly realize I'm stronger and happier than I was before I processed it.  I just need to get to better ways of handling it -- which is why I'm back at Step 1 this week.  Wish me luck.

Oh, and these videos that J watched at LifeStar this last week pretty much perfectly capture what it is he's finding out about himself right now . . . he's like to share them with anyone who'll listen . . . :-)

My Time Machine Entry

So, Angel has proposed a bit of an experiment :-)  All of us that are in the thick of this battle write up what our lives look like right now, post links in her 'Time Machine' post today, and we all come back in a year and see how far we've come.  I love the idea.  And it mildly terrifies me.  But mostly love it.  :-)

I think it scares me a little, 'cause while my husband is doing the best I have ever seen him do, and so am I, I would've said the same thing a year ago when he was 6 months in to an almost 11 month stint of sobriety.  And then it all came crashing down again and crushed me under the lies until it felt like I couldn't breath all over again just a few months ago. 

*Of course, as much as it hurt to have it all come back and to be so thoroughly lied to again, after things had been going 'so well', as I write this I'm realizing that here we are a year later and we are actually in a better place!  Sure, we had a big ol' messy disaster in the middle of it all, but we are both doing so much better than we were, really truly entering recovery for the first time.  That horrific bump in the road didn't completely derail us, 'cause here we are stronger and better and closer and healing more than we ever have been before.  I'm coming to realize that each 'setback', each 'failed attempt', each 'spectacular blunder' are all just the pieces that culminated into a situation that left my husband finally realizing that his life had become unmanageable, that he truly had lost to pornography and his addiction, and he could no longer do this on his own.  Without those mistakes, I don't think he'd be in recovery right now.  Wow, Angel, this has been really therapeutic and I haven't even started writing where we are yet!  :-)   A couple months ago when it all came out again, I thought it was the bottom falling out from under me and everything was 'lost' all over again -- and yet, I think it was exactly what he needed to see that this was never going away unless he took it more seriously.

I'll start with me (it's my recovery, after all) :-)
So, right now, I am:
• A work in progress.
• Generally much happier than I have been.  I still have bad days and feel really low . . . but they're not as frequent, they don't last as long. 
• I finally feel like I'm making spiritual progress (I felt 'stalled' for a long time, my Church attendance was pretty spotty (with sick kids and stuff), praying had become increasingly difficult, and my scripture reading, while daily, was fairly meaningless, as if I was just going through the motions.)  My prayers are coming more frequently, and I can (usually) even focus on what I'm thinking or saying without my mind wandering to what we have planned tomorrow with the kids.  I'm seeing more evidences of God's love for me in the tiny miracles and blessings in my life -- they've always been there, I think, but now I'm trying to notice them.  I'm experimenting a couple different ways to read scriptures (out loud with J, along with a Institute text book, topical) and figuring out what works best for me, but I feel like I'm getting more (and not just the "That!  That right there!  It's totally about porn!"  Not proud to admit that for a long time, when I read scriptures the only thing I got out of them were all the things J is doing wrong and how they apply to him and his struggle.  Um, yeah, turns out that's probably not the most useful way to read scriptures and gain personal insight and revelation.  I'm getting better at finding what God has to say to me, not my husband.  (Please tell me I'm not the ONLY person who struggles with this?!))
• I am gaining a very real and very powerful testimony of the Atonement, and of the power of recovery work to bring me to Christ.
• I am very happy in my marriage with my husband.  We are finding out tons of ways we'd never even noticed before that we have been seriously lacking in our marriage -- and we're deliberately and with effort, seeking out and fixing our problems.  I have a renewed love for him (I never stopped loving him, and in fact, if I just forgot about the pesky porn problem I thought we had a pretty much perfect marriage -- I'm now realizing neither of us were as happy as we assumed we were, and I kinda walked all over him, due to our personality differences and his trying-to-make-it-up-to-me-ness combined with my you-owe-me-'cause-of-what-you've-put-me-through-ness.  We're sincerely apologizing for the negative things we've each brought in to our relationship and working on it.)
•  We are not currently having sex, as J decided when he started recovery that he needed 12 weeks to sort out his head and give us both space and time to heal.  It was a surprising sacrifice on his part.  But for me, I just felt relieved.  And sad that I felt relieved (as sex was something I enjoyed a great deal with J, and when it was suddenly 'off the table' I realized how much I'd grown to resent and distrust sex and our physical intimacy.)  He's also made a very conscious effort to be 'respectful' and not overbearing in his physical advances towards me.  With this space we have reignited a physical closeness that I hadn't realized we'd lost -- I am much more likely to reach out to hold his hand, rub his back or cuddle up close.  We're both finding that as our physical and emotional intimacy grow and strengthen simultaneously, we're feeling better about our intimacy than we have in a long time.  I realized in the last couple weeks that I was beginning to miss, and desire, more physical intimacy with him, and would be happy if the pesky 12 weeks of abstinence were over with.  This was huge, and I was both surprised and really happy about it. 
• I have often used shopping to self-medicate.  I am making huge improvements in this area, and have stuck to a budget and saved several hundred dollars of my own side-business-hobby money in the last couple months.  (Interestingly, I started the budget and a desire to get this under control just weeks before my latest discovery of my husband's lies -- I really feel like the timing of my awareness of and desire to improve this problem was not coincidence.)

Where I'm struggling:
• Those bad days.  They're usually not horrible, but I do tend to wallow more than is necessary some days.
• Feeling lonely.  I don't remember what I did without this online community, because it has made a HUGE difference  in this -- but even with all your amazing people who have TOTALLY enriched my life and made me feel more whole and less alone, I really wish sometimes I had someone who was flesh and blood in my life to go out with and talk to and get a hug from when the bad days hit. 
• It's not as frequent as it once was, but my self esteem and self worth still struggles from time to time.  Even when things are going great, like as we've been rebuilding our physical intimacy, I'll suddenly get hit with this idea of 'all of those thousands and thousands and thousands of bodies you've seen' and suddenly want to run and hide from my husband. 
• I'm less honest and transparent with my husband than he is with me.  He's become an open book.  I still dole out info, thoughts and feelings when I want to, and could probably be a lot more open than I am being.  Don't get me wrong, I've brought up a lot of things that I would have never brought up before, but I'm definitely more on guard, more cautious and less trusting that I should be given the situation we're currently in. 
• My eating has spiraled out of control.  I feed my family really pretty healthy; all whole grains, little meat, lots of fruit and vegetables.  My five year old is just as happy to eat a spinach salad with quinoa and fruit as she is junk food -- and was telling her Grandma the other day that most fruit tastes better than candy anyway.  I make a lot of really healthy food around here.  But I have almost no appetite for most of the day, and seldom eat breakfast or lunch with the kids anymore.  (In fact, upon thinking about it, I'm skipping a lot of dinners -- coming upstairs to nurse the baby while J eats with the kids).  But I'm getting almost all of my calories from junk food that's easy to grab and eat without thinking about -- crackers, granola bars, handfuls of nuts and candy.  I eat most of my food out of a little cupboard in my bedroom that I've been keeping stocked with protein bars, trail mix, nuts, M&Ms, chocolate covered pretzels and other such things.  I know it isn't healthy.  It's not great for my nursing baby either.  I know it's getting worse and not better. In March and April I lost another 10 pounds of baby weight (this last 'surprise' baby left me with more weight than I usually have to lose, since I got pregnant with him before losing all the last baby's baby weight) and in the past month (while I haven't gained any of it back) I haven't lost another pound. 
• I worry a lot still -- about the future, about whether he's lying to me or not.  I can have mountains of evidence he's where he said he was (usually a 12-step meeting), he has notes he took and talks about what he learned -- and in the back of my mind I start to wonder just how proficient of a liar he could be.  What if he's making it all up?  What if he's sitting in some parking lot with wi-fi, or going to the library or something, and takes a minute to jot down these things, think about what stories he tells me, then looks at porn for the next hour or so of 'free time'.  This is crazy-talk.  Every single thing I'm seeing tells me he's in recovery -- including my gut -- and I know he's where he says he is and he's giving this every thing he has.  But I still worry.  Then I feel bad about worrying.  
• I still battle feeling like 'the victim' -- the whole 'he owes me' and 'it's all about him' mentality that doesn't allow me to progress.  I'm making improvements, but if I'm completely honest with myself, I have a ways to go. 



How J is doing:
• In a word: awesome.  I believe he is truly in recovery.  (Not to say he'll never, ever look at porn again -- but that he thoroughly and completely on the right track.  As he puts it, "I have all the tools to do what I need to do.")
• He is a changed person.  The words my Bishop used were "powerfully meek."  He's humble, honest, transparent and changed.  He talks about everything with me.  He was leaving his 12 step meeting on Friday night and called to tell me he was on his way home, but that while he'd been at the meeting he'd just gotten this bad feeling he couldn't get over, it felt like he was 'hiding something', but couldn't think of anything it could be, but it was making him increasingly uncomfortable and he needed to figure out what it was.  He was on his way to the Temple (he always walks the grounds after his Friday night meeting) and I told him to just pray about it and take his time there, and we could talk afterwards.  He called me a half hour later, driving home from the Temple, and said he realized he'd pulled out his phone at work a few times and killed some time playing "Oregon Trail" for 5-10 minutes.  He'd deleted it off his phone before leaving the Temple.  Seriously, this was the man who was something spending 6-8 hours at work looking at porn, and now all the sudden he's feeling bad about killing 20 minutes of time playing "Oregon Trail" while waiting for contractors to get some stuff done.  He is so increasingly self aware (and this is a person who has never let himself ever recognize any slightest resentment, negative feeling or complaint in life).  He is honest, with himself and with me and with others.  He isn't holding anything back -- he's no longer protecting himself, the porn, or me.  It's not always easy, and it's often painful, but we're getting to such a better place in life as we deal with the reality of our situation, our relationship and our lives, rather than the painted facade we both believed in for so long. 
• J has always been a good and helpful husband and father -- I've never had any complaints in this area -- but now it feels like he does things for us out of genuine love and service, and not a place of guilt or burden.  
• J is attending three 12 step meetings a week (2 LDS, 1 SA) and has recently started going to LifeStar.  He attends all of these with a willing heart and has said he has never regretted going to one and gets something from each meeting. 
• He is making a real effort to be there for me -- to stand as a witness to my pain in hard conversations, and not try to 'make it go away' or even 'wish it away', but to let me talk and to try and see where I'm coming from.  (He calls it 'standing in the flames' from this excellent blog post.)  I feel like he has a lot more empathy that he ever has before, but it's still kinda hard to see that he doesn't fully 'get' it.  (After his first LifeStar meeting he talked about what's typical for spouses to experience -- I think it almost surprised him that I was so 'normal'.  :-)  Not that I think he thought I was over-exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion, I think he just doesn't really understand how this could be so earth shattering when it's 'his' problem.)
• He is finding out things about himself he never knew before, and he is trying to understand how he thinks and what he feels.  I don't think it had ever dawned on him before to be introspective.  :-)

The Not as Good:
• He still really struggles with not objectifying women out in public.  But he is improving.  He still notices more than he wants to, but is making a conscious effort to not look any longer than the initial glance that got his attention.  Sometimes he's more successful than others.  He feels like this whole experience will bring him to such a better place -- that most men objectify women to some point or another (although not as much as a sex addict, I'm guessing), but now that he's so painfully aware of his shortcomings in this area, he can make a real effort to improve and is hoping to end up better and more respectful than most men would even think to be. 
• The desire to act out isn't that strong right now.  Now, how is that a bad thing you ask?  I feel like since he's entered recovery he's done everything right, and I appreciate it more than words can say.  But, it hasn't been much of a temptation since entering recovery (he usually goes a few weeks and even months after a big discovery where he doesn't look at porn for awhile anyway) -- it's been 72 days today since I found out it was back, and he hasn't looked at it once.  But he hasn't really, especially been drawn to it.  He's had the thought come up, "You could just get on the internet," at work, which could have led to it, that he just internally shot himself down and it went away.  And one harder time where he called me, got up and walked away from the computer and took a break to 'stop' the temptation.  But, other than that, he's not really been drawn to it.  He credits this mainly to the fact he's learning to turn outwards -- that when a negative feeling first shows up, he comes and talks about it, never allowing it to get any further into the unconscious and into the porn cycle.  I'm so happy about this.  I just carry a small fear that when life gets harder, or he gets hit strong with the urge, it won't be as easy as what he's doing right now.  But, he is working to change all of these things about himself, so maybe he really is cutting it off before it has a chance to even make it deep enough to become a compulsion to look at porn?





So, things are good.  We're both making progress -- I feel like he's making more than me, but we're both doing it. 

Lonely & Down

I've felt a little down lately.  A little isolated, sad and lonely, I guess.  



I was telling my husband the other day that my world feels very small.  I have four young kids -- two that are still taking naps (on opposite schedules), and both are horrible sleepers away from home.  So I don't go many places.  And when I'm feeling down, not going places leads to not getting going for the day -- staying in pajamas or not going outside or whatever other isolating behaviors manifest.  I clean the same messes, all day long.  I change diapers, all day long.  I break up sibling fights, all day long.  I read about porn addiction (sometimes it feels like all day long).  I feel like I'm accomplishing little of significance (unless you consider cleaning dry erase marker off the walls not once, not twice, but THREE times in a single day, significant), and that I'm not getting outside myself.  My only interactions with the outside world have been online, which seems to have lagged lately, and on the phone with my sister and sister in law.  Both of whom are totally supportive and know about the whole porn addiction thing, but I suddenly feel awkward talking about it with them.  J's doing well, and so it feels like people are expecting me to just feel so much better about everything.  Which, I kinda do.  Just not all the time. 


I get down about all the damage that's been done to mine and J's relationship, our intimacy, our trust -- I beat myself up for not seeing it sooner (not the porn problem, though that too, but how we were drifting apart).  Then add to it that he's actually doing fantastically well on this whole path to recovery and I feel like I'm the one holding us back.  He's really sweet about it, and tells me I'm more than entitled to my bad days, and that my recovery is mine alone and I shouldn't feel like it needs to 'match pace' with his.  (He's better at this detaching thing than I am, not surprisingly.)  We're making great strides in our relationship, which feels wonderful, healing and amazing -- but also vulnerable.  Like what if I'm just a big, dumb, idiot for trusting him again, for letting him get this close.  It would hurt so much more this time if he were to lie to me.  My hope ebbs and flows.  I have amazing days of so much happiness, peace and joy -- and then the next is like a dark hole I fall down into and feel so alone and scared, huddled in the corner, wondering if I'll ever truly get out.  I'll feel like I'm making great connections, then the next day feel totally alone and utterly isolated. 

I think at the heart of it, I know I'm slacking.  My step work has stalled -- I haven't been to meetings, I haven't been journaling, I haven't been actively working my own recovery.  Between a death in the family, planning a wedding in the family, caring for a very sick friend and the aforementioned four really young children, I've gotten busy and I've let it slide.  This post, more than anything is a reminder to me to remember that the whole recovery thing really does work (when I work it), and that when I'm not doing what I need to be doing for me, I feel crappier.

And with the loneliness thing, I'm just trying to remind myself that I'm not alone.  I'm not the only person going through this and trying to figure out life in the wake of upheaval and pain.  Which is why if your blog traffic shows me obsessively checking your blogs just waiting for you to post something again, it means I'm having one of those kind of days.  You understand, right?

Healing Power of Hard Conversations

Thanks to Jane and Pete's awesome discussion on the topic, I've been thinking about hard conversations all day.

We have had a lot of 'em lately.  It sometimes amazes me we're sitting there talking about these things -- the total truth of our situation.  I imagine being a fly on the wall, sitting there shocked at what's being discussed.  The truth of where we've been brought in terms of trust, intimacy, faith and heartache.  The horribleness of it all.  How it's made me feel.  What it's been like for him.  The things we've never brought up or told each other.  It's all so ugly -- and yet.  And yet, I've never felt so close to him.  I've never had, and he's never felt, such unconditional love. 

I don't always like the honesty.  The text message last night about how one of the presenters at his group therapy was wearing a really, really tight top and he was trying very hard to focus on other things (and how that seemed oddly inappropriate for someone presenting to a group of 30 sex addicts).  Sometimes I hate knowing what he sees, what he notices, what he's thinking.  I sometimes want to go back before I understood -- when I didn't know how much he noticed, how much he thought, how often his mind strayed far from me and our family.  But, I wouldn't trade where we are now for the pretend security of not understanding my husband's mind.  On a business trip recently, he'd done very well the whole time, but in the airport on the way home was caught up in a pretty big 'lust hit', where he kept turning back to check out the same woman over and over again.  He decided I didn't need to know about this.  He talked to someone else.  He brought it out into the light of day with his SA group.  He just didn't want to hurt me, so he brought it to someone else.  A couple other people, actually.  This may work great for some people, but for him he spent the next could days in a funk.  We could both feel it, I even asked if there was anything from the business trip I needed to know about.  He was worried he was getting closer to the porn as he felt himself disconnecting from me, so a few days after his trip he apologized for not bringing it up sooner and mentioned what had happened in the airport.  He felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  I felt mildly like I'd been punched in the gut.  BUT, the next day we both felt so much better, and that intangible 'offness' in the air was gone and we were closer than ever.

By bringing me his 'stuff' -- whether be his frustrations, his problems, his temptations, his weaknesses, or even his joys and his successes, he is really feeling an intimacy that had long faded away without us even noticing.  He's feeling higher highs, lower lows, and for the most part, just enjoying really 'feeling' again.  His transparency (which is so the best word for what I'm seeing right now), honesty and humility have a healing power in our relationship second only to the healing power that comes from God.  It's amazing to me that we have spent a lot of the last month examining some horrible, icky, uncomfortable and painful things, and that we've never felt closer. We've talked about how as much as this trial truly, truly sucks, we honestly can't see anything else in this life that would bring us together and make us so thoroughly exam ourselves and our relationship to this extent -- we wouldn't trade what we're getting out of this process.

On Pete's blog post I commented, "My husband and I have had our most painful, intense conversations in the past month . . . and they are working wonders in our recoveries. And our relationship is growing closer than ever before. For him, taking these things, these long-hidden truths AND lies, outside of him and into the light has stripped them of their power. He constantly mentions that taking these things 'outward' (which is scary and unpredictable) is what makes all the difference, since leaving them inside allows them to fester and leads to acting out (which is easier, 'cause it's familiar and predictable). It's scary, new and risky-feeling to him -- but it's making all the difference. And he is loving our new found emotional intimacy. For me, each honest (even painful) conversation brings healing as it helps me feel like I can trust him to come to me with hard things, and because its his honesty and transparency that has shown me that he really is on the right path to recovery."

I think my husband felt for so long that if people 'knew' about him, about what went on inside him, about what he'd done, that they would reject him, look down on him, pity him, and they definitely wouldn't love him.  Each thing he brings to me, no matter how painful for both of us, is one more thing that withstands that test -- I still love him.  I still think he's one of the most incredible men I've ever met.  The power of his secrets crumbles in his hands as he holds them out in the light.  The power of him showing me these things softens my heart and is creating a real bond and closeness that I think only comes with true vulnerability.  

We are just starting down this road of recovery.  It is a long, never ending journey, and I know it's easy to get caught up in how things are going right at this second.  I know him not looking at porn today doesn't necessarily mean he won't look at it tomorrow.  But I feel like each day of sobriety gets him on surer ground.  Our relationship is soaking up each and every single good day so that if/when a bad day happens, we don't start over from scratch.  Each day I am getting stronger, feeling more peace, feeling more sure of myself, better able to trust myself and my instincts.  We may be very early on in our journey to recovery, but I cannot be more grateful that I feel like we're finally on the right path, we finally have the right tools.*


*There have been a lot of false starts on his path to recovery over the years as well, and I think those all built up and helped get him to where he is now.  At the time I remember just feeling like we were never going to make any progress, but looking back I realize even those steps in the journey that weren't on the right path were steps that got him to where this path started.  Each half truth, each half-hearted attempt, each stalled effort (which were all so horribly disappointing to me at the time) eventually built up to get him to where he is now. 

Why We Need Our Own Recovery

This is so worth watching.

 

My husband and I both laughed the whole time, and it led to a great discussion about where we're at now and where we're going, and our individual recoveries. 

I am going to be happy now. Not once this problem is under control, not when my future is known, not when all the scary variables are all worked out and stable -- but right now.

Shut Up, Addict

That title sounds horrible, but it's not me saying it!  Let me explain.  It's a little mantra that my husband has now.  It came up when we were talking about counseling (he's at an intake counseling session with LifeStar as I type this, and will be starting group therapy next week) . . . he's 61 days 'sober' right now, and this coming week was the soonest session they had starting.  Things are going really well for him right now, so the more passive part of his personality (which is most of his personality!) was basically telling him, "You don't need this.  You're doing fine.  Why go to therapy?  That's just a waste of time, you're already going to meetings, and now you're going to add one more thing to your list.  How much will this cost?  You don't need it."  He said he had that running through his head after he'd rescheduled this intake interview (when the counselor had to move it back a week), and when he stopped and realized what he was thinking he actually said out loud, "Shut up, addict."  He smiled when he realized he had suddenly blurted out something like that to himself, but it's now become a bit of a mantra to him.  Anytime he finds himself minimizing, making excuses or trying to rationalize something, he stops and says, "Shut up, addict."  It comes up in our conversations, and what I love about it is that when he tells me something he was thinking and every single part of me is just itching to chime in with all the reasons his logic/approach/perspective/whatever is 'flawed' (like I'm oh-so-knowledgeable!), I have found that I can just keep my mouth shut and he gets there on his own, and chuckles and says, "Shut up, addict."  He's honing in on that part of him that's telling the lies, that's perpetuating the problem and actually, verbally, telling it to knock it off.

I love the idea of just shutting down negative self-talk though.  To actually acknowledge (not just repress it) and tell it to stop.  That I'm not listening anymore, that I heard what it had to say and I'm not buying what it's selling. I tried it today.  I was up to the mirror, getting ready this morning, when I had some random 'you're so stupid that you just let this go on for so long' type of thoughts.  I was feeling them, getting a little uncomfortable, just starting to approach feeling bad for myself, when I looked boldly into the mirror and said, "Enough."  I mentally reminded myself of all the reasons I'm pretty darn amazing, and how my husband's choices to exclude me from this part of his life weren't about me being stupid, worthless or even unloved, they were just bad decisions on his part and don't reflect on me.  I was able to finish getting ready for the day and not look back since.  I plan on using 'Enough' more often . . .





(Again, I know the whole phrase sounds kinda harsh or negative or whatever -- but it's actually just a bit of self-deprecating humor for him and he's finding it very useful to point out what the addiction is telling him -- it's more about him talking to the 'addiction' than himself as the 'addict', if that makes sense!)

Out of Town

J is out of town on business.  I've been surprised by how at peace I've been with the idea of traveling while still in these earlier stages of recovery.  But, it is what it is, he's being the most honest and transparent that he's ever been, and if there's ever a time for him to go out of town on business and successfully avoid porn, it's now.

He called today after a lunch, just to say 'hi'.  Then about four hours later called back and apologized for not really being able to talk before, because people were around.  I was confused, "Um, we did talk . . ."  He then went on to tell me he'd been antsy to call me all afternoon, and that the contractor he's traveling to see took him out to lunch.  At a 'Hooters-ish' kinda place.  My heart sunk (for him) -- what a crappy thing to have thrown in your path when you're working to rid your life of lust and objectification.  He said he tried to avoid looking as much as possible, but with dozens of waitresses in bikini tops, it was difficult.  But, he shared how he couldn't stop thinking about how degrading the entire situation was . . . the men there staring at these women, how the women were dressed.  Did these women value themselves as more than this, did they know they should be seen as so much more than their bodies?  He sighed sadly, then I could just hear the smile break out on his face when he said, "You know, recovery is really taking all the fun out of my porn addiction."  Ha!




As much as I hate that he had to be thrown into that situation when he's working so hard to avoid these kinds of triggers -- I appreciate that he was given the opportunity to feel discomfort at the situation, to call me and let me know what had happened, and to realize that with effort, he can focus more on the attitude he's trying to cultivate than just on the bodies he'd had the opportunity to stare while thousands of miles away from his family.

Couldn't Sleep Last Night . . .

OK, so here's the deal.  I have shared a lot of the resources I've found with our Bishop, who's really awesome with this whole topic in my opinion.  He's never been anything but loving, supportive and compassionate with me on this road I'm traveling.  His heart aches for the women who are struggling even more than me and he doesn't know what to do for them.  I've written a long anonymous email addressed to women just dealing with this in their lives (the whole 'holy crap what just happened to my life' phase) that he's shared with women when he feels it could be helpful.  He's planning a 5th Sunday lesson (July?) where he wants to go talk to the women really candidly about porn and the 12-step program (ie, this is already here, this is affecting half of you, enough talk about prevention, how do we help the great number of you already hurting).  He talked to J and I about possibly speaking at this meeting.  If we wanted to, but no pressure.  We've talked about it at length, and feel strongly that although we do want to help people, but we don't want to put ourselves in a place to be judged or have it affect how people feel about us or our kids (i.e., like what if people didn't feel comfortable having kids come to our house anymore to play kinda thing.)  But, we do want to be involved in the 5th Sunday lesson, and each of us is going to write a letter to be shared. 
Here's what I'm considering . . . I want to explain my situation a little, what the 12 step program has meant to my husband and I, then extend an open invitation for any woman struggling with this in her life to meet at a specific meeting.  Our Relief Society has temple groups, where people meet up at someone's house and all carpool to the temple.  I want to create a similar group for recovery meetings.  Women who can meet up and carpool and get together (maybe go get frozen yogurt afterwards or something even).  I want to basically bear testimony through this letter that this program may as well be called, "How to tap in to the power of the atonement" and how much healing is there and how if they are struggling with this at all in their lives, they need to be there.  They will meet and find their Savior in these meetings, in this manual. 

What do you think?
Would it have helped you in stage before you went to meetings or if you haven't been to them before, to start attending?  Would you go with sisters from your Ward?
What would you write in a letter to your Relief Society sisters?

I am willing to be the Ward 'support group point person' if that's what it takes to help women get involved in this program and find their own healing.  I feel like this is what I am here to do right now.  My husband has also told the Bishop he is also happy to have the Bishop send men/young men (with their parents) his way with questions about the program and the 12 steps.  We don't feel good about putting it out there to the whole Ward, but we do feel a call to be there for people who are actively struggling with this.  It makes me a little nervous that it would 'get around', but I'm hoping just among women/men who are dealing with this in their own lives.  The other option is just share in the letter the resources I've found, my story, my hope and prayers for them, and include a meeting list and just see if anyone ever shows up . . . (also my Bishop is going to send out the email copies of the 12 step family book and the SAlifeline link for their "Understanding Pornography" book.)

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night 'cause I was composing this letter in my head.
Any suggestions?  Would you do it?  Do you think it would be useful?

Marriage

On facebook, a friend reported this quote from her Stake Conference yesterday: "Marriage is not a free ride on the happy wagon. We should immediately be tipped off by the fact that marriage is performed across an alter. Things bleed and die on alters. Things like selfishness and pride."

Reminder

I was stressing about getting my temple recommend renewed -- it expires the end of this month, and between Mother's Day, Memorial Day Weekend, and then today being my daughter's birthday party with all the extended family gathering at my house, there seemed to be no good time to get over to the Stake President's office for an interview.  Add to that, they don't do recommend interviews on the first Sunday of the month, and because of Stake Conference they wouldn't be doing it the second week of the month either.
Now, logically, I could just let my temple recommend expire the end of May, and get a new one in mid-June and only go a couple weeks without being able to attend the temple.  And, well, it's not like my temple attendance is super stellar (I have four young kids, including one that's nursing, so my once a month right now is pretty darn impressive for me.)  It wouldn't really affect me to have a lapsed recommend for a few weeks.

Except that it was making my stomach all knotted and icky feeling.  We're already down one temple recommend between us around these parts anyway, and I just didn't like the idea of neither of us being able to attend, even if (chances are) I wasn't going to be going in those few weeks anyway.

So, I ditched my in-laws, siblings, parents and kids right as dinner started to get over to the Stake offices during the one hour block on Sunday evenings that is dedicated to temple recommend interviews.  I got there and silently moaned, there were easily a dozen people there in front of me.  I still wasn't quite sure why I was missing my kids' birthday party to be here, waiting forever for a few minutes with a member of the Stake Presidency.  I did have a couple thoughts floating around in my head -- how I hoped my interview would be with the Stake President himself, and not one of his two (very nice) counselors, since the Stake President is one of the warmest, sweetest, most grandfatherly men I've ever met.  I also secretly wanted to ask him for a blessing, since I realized sitting there I haven't asked for once since this latest round of disclosures over a month ago.  But, there was a line of people, and I knew I couldn't ask him to take the time.

Anyway, I watched as the crowd slowly thinned, keeping my fingers crossed that when it was my turn it would be with the Stake President.  And lo and behold, it worked out that way.  I sat across from him in two chairs facing each other in the corner of his office.  With no paper in front of him, he started to ask me the temple recommend questions.  Having just answered the same questions not four hours before with the second counselor in our Bishopric, it was all very routine.  Until he asked the last question that is typically asked, then stopped, smiled and said, "I have one more question."  I was a bit surprised, since the interview is standard and I wasn't expecting anything different than any other time I've had this same interview.  "HX, do you know how much your Heavenly Father loves you?" 

I started to cry.

"I think I do," I said. " I'm trying to remember that, I know He does.  I just . . . well . . . I just want Him to speak up sometimes.  I mean, I know that's not how it works, it's just I can hear all this ugliness being hurled at me, lies I hear inside my head, and I just want to hear God above it all.  I want Him to be louder than all that.  But, for now, I'm working every day to try to get closer to where I need to be so I can hear the small and quiet ways God tells me that He loves me.  But sometimes, I want Him to speak up . . . "  I whimpered into the tissue he'd just handed me. 

"Well, we just experienced that . . . this is not something I typically ask in one of these interviews.  God just wanted you to know how much He loves you.  How valuable you are to Him.  He loves you so much, and he's proud of you.  Now stand up and give me a hug."  (Seriously, the cutest little grandfatherly man you've ever met.) 

Sometimes, God speaks up.  And I couldn't be more grateful.

Gratitute Attitude

I'm a big believe that 'counting our blessings' is one of the surest ways to get past heartache and pain and feeling down.  I'm better in theory at this than in practice, unfortunately.

So, I've been working on it.  And I'm starting to see the results.  I bought little 3x4" notebooks for J and I, and each night, we say prayers together, then personal prayers, than we climb up on the bed, open our scripture cases and each of us write one page in our little notebook, entirely of things we're grateful for, before we read scriptures.  I can write a list of 8-12 things, or a five or so sentences, or three or four longer thoughts, on one page.  Each night, we take that 2 minutes or so and fill one page each, in our respective 'Gratitude Journals'.  Some days are easier than others, some days I stick with the 'basics' (my husband, kids, home, etc.)  Some days, and they're happening more often, I'm thinking of blessings I almost missed.  Little things that happened during the day that made my day easier or better.  People who come into my day, even just for a minute or so, that helped me along my way.  Overall attitudes and feelings and emotions that are improving.  I'm really noticing that my 'downs' are not as low, nor are they lasting as long.  I'm 'bouncing back' from painful reminders, hard conversations and random triggers quicker and with less heartaches.  I'm thinking about the 'bad stuff' less often, and just going about my day without the ever present 'my husband is a porn addict' fears playing on repeat in the back of my head.    I'm noticing this change because of my gratitude journal.

Some nights, J shares with me what he wrote.  This has been interesting for me too.  He's actually writing that he's grateful that I come to him in my pain, grateful for the hard conversations that prove that in a real way I still trust him with my heart, for the reminder that he can do hard things.  He's grateful for the grueling projects he's been working on at work -- they're giving him a real sense of purpose and accomplishment.  He's grateful for our kids.  I think he obviously already knew that, but writing it out, writing why he is so grateful for them, has been an eye opener for him.  He knew he loved the kids, but there was this selfish part of him that resented them -- resented the attention they 'stole' from him (mainly from me), resented the additional responsibilities in his life, resented coming home after a long day to kids who wanted nothing more than to crawl all over him like a jungle gym.  Don't get me wrong, he's always been a loving and attentive Dad, but the part of him that he's kept buried for so long was getting bogged down in the negative emotions that surround the additional time and effort the kids take on both of our parts.  It's a lot easier for him to look back at 'what we used to have', just the two of us, and just focus on what the kids have 'taken away' from us than what they've added to our lives.  The last couple weeks, as he's given voice to his gratitude, he's realized how much they brighten up his life.  He wrote last night how our three year old little girl saw him working in the backyard on a sprinkler project, and she told her friends they had to go home, 'cause she was gonna go help her Daddy.  She came running outside a minute later complete with an Elmo tool belt on, ready to work alongside her Dad.  All three older kids run to him when he gets home, enveloping him in hugs and kisses and wanting his attention.  He's written about bad days at work being brightened when he came home and the kids squeal with delight at his mere presence.  He's written about how unconditional their love is for him -- and if they love him this much, how much more does his perfect Father in Heaven love him? 

So, the gratitude journal idea is definitely a keeper in our house.  (In fact, I ran to Staples the other day and bought an 12-pack of the small notebooks so we don't ever run out!) :-)

Another thing I'm trying to do is show my gratitude to J.  We've realized in the last couple weeks just how much I was pulling away.  To protect myself, and my heart, I no longer went to him with my problems, my day, my joys or my life.  I was keeping my distance.  We hadn't realized how much so until we started talking all of this out.  I was also taking him for granted.  Sure, I've been hurt, but he's also been such a hands on Father, helpful around the house and with cooking, always there to do little things for me.  So, I was having him get me glasses of water, make the kids dinner when I didn't feel like it, rub my feet when I was pregnant -- none of these are unrealistic expectations of a partner -- but I wasn't reciprocating any of these little things.  I was letting him do it all, because as I saw it, he owed me.  He'd hurt me, shattered all my trust, made me doubt myself and my worth -- he owed me.  (And we see right there why women need recovery work as much as men!) 

So, the last couple weeks I've been really working to let him know how much I appreciate him.  I tell him every night the things that mean so much to me -- everything from going to meetings, to calling me during the day, to helping with the kids when he gets home so I can nurse in peace for once.  I've started shooting him a text message or two a day, with random, but specific, things that I appreciate or love about him.  And giving voice to these things is making me more aware of all the things he does so right, where I was so focused on all the things he was doing wrong for so long.  It's been good for both of us -- he has an added sense of who he is and how he contributes to our family and my happiness, and not just be bogged down in the damage that's been done. 

So, in short, gratitude = good.  And I'm working on it. 

Hope and Peace (and Mother's Day)

I was reading my scriptures last night, writing thoughts and notes in a notebook next to me, when I suddenly jotted down (having nothing to do with what I was reading):

Hope and peace sometimes ebbs and flows.  I wish these were constant companions, and I will get there one day, but for now I'm seeing that I'm steadily moving in the right direction.  The downs aren't lasting as long.  Hope is prevailing.

I realized after I wrote that how true it was.  Oh, how I wish I wasn't an emotional wreck that spent Mother's Day morning, then evening, in tears in my husband's lap.  But, these painful realizations and conversations come in waves that once they've rolled past, I'm fairly 'done' with them.  We talked about some excruciatingly painful things on Sunday, and by Monday morning, I had put them behind me and was feeling real peace.  What a wonderful blessing -- to not be bogged down in painful emotions for days.  All day yesterday my husband would call and ask how I was doing, like he often does after we've had a painful conversation the night before.  "I'm good," I'd assure him, and I don't know if he fully believed me.  But I really was.  He was reeling from our last conversation far more than I was, and that's unusual, and (I think) really good progress for both of us.  (Me not dwelling and wallowing in painful things, and him actually having to feel them and deal with them and those painful things sticking with him longer than just during the immediate conversation about them.)

That said, I hope you all had good Mother's Days.  Mine was obviously hard, but we got some things out on the table, and it was good.  We've discussed how either of us bottling things up is counterproductive -- on the flip side, if we are able to drag out negative feelings, fears, weaknesses, and examine them, give them a name, destroy the lie or secret surrounding it, we can put it behind us and start working on getting better much quicker than if we don't talk about it.  Sunday was a lot of talking about painful things.  It started in the morning when I watched an LDS video about how father's should raise their daughters.  There were lots of fun triggers -- the whole 'loving their mother' thing -- words like 'loyalty' (viewing thousands upon thousands of naked women, lusting after my friends and our neighbors and ward members just because they happen to like jogging, etc -- not exactly loyal), and the big one, teaching your daughter about her value as a woman.  I hit a low as I realized that my sweet, loving husband, who is really such a good man, has screwed with his view of women to such an extreme that if he doesn't change, how can he ever effectively teach our daughters their value as women.  He objectifies and exploits at any opportunity, and has for years, and there has to be a complete change of heart and learning how to see women as Daughters of God, not parts and pieces, if we have any hope of him being the Dad he needs to be to our children.  I was crushed as I watched the video, sobbing when my husband walked in with my french toast for Mother's Day breakfast.  We talked, and I felt bad about how sad he looked all through Church.  We had a pretty good day with family, talking with my little brother who's on his mission, seeing both of our Mothers and most of our Grandmothers.  That evening though, we got back to the conversation about his objectification of women, and how this makes me feel about him in terms of his ability to father our daughters.  It was ugly.  I mentioned things I've never dared too.  I stopped often to reassure him that I love him, that I'm not trying to bring him down or shame him, but these are legitimate fears I've been wrestling with, and he kept assuring me to keep talking.  Does he draw the line when he's watching women out in public to only adult women? Or does he just notice breasts wherever he can find them in tight or low cut clothes?  (And how far gone is the ability to see women as people, and not just parts, if he is indiscriminately looking for breasts no matter who they're on?  Are there boundaries, or is he so far gone he notices any breasts -- my sisters? His? Teenagers in the Ward?) (And these were not questions I had him actually answer -- I was expressing my fears surrounding the topic, not drilling him.)  What does this mean for our daughters -- we're 7 years from teenagers -- if he hasn't relearned how to view women, are my daughters in danger of being objectified by their own father?  Will he not be able to keep himself from looking at their breasts, just like how he can't help but stare at the busty woman he passes in the grocery store, despite holding our son in one arm and my hand with the other?  What about their teenage friends who will come to our house?  Isn't it bad enough I have to worry about him staring at the neighborhood Moms, but one day I'll need to worry about my daughter's fourteen year old friends who come over?  Will he learn and change that women are so much more than their breasts, their bodies?  What if he's not there yet once our own kids have those bodies?  Could I even keep them in the same home with him?  I told him my darkest thoughts, how sometimes I just think how much better off the kids and I would be if we just got in a car accident or some other tragedy, and I wouldn't have to drag them through this world of filth and objectification -- don't worry, I do NOT regularly have thoughts like this, but at my lowest, it's been there.  What were the chances that 20 years from now, our own daughters would be going through this same thing?  What if their husbands did this to their wives?  What if our sons did it to their wives?  How can I assure anything better for my kids, how can I spare them this pain, how would we feel if our kids were in our same situation? 

This was one of our ugliest conversations to date.  It was gross and icky to pull out all my deepest fears, to really give voice to the fact he has fundamentally changed how he views women.  How the way he views women is not appropriate or acceptable or congruent with raising daughters of his own (or with him being the man he wants to be).

Oddly, I think you'd be surprised how loving this conversation was.  It was ugly, and horrible in a lot of ways, but there was a strong spirit of love and support on both sides.  He was right there with me.  Looking me in the eyes.  Scared, like I am, but fully there for me in my pain.  I was there to tell him that this doesn't define who he is, how much more he is than this. 

Sometimes I love the honesty.  I need it from him, crave it.  It's healing to me.  Sometimes it scares the crap out of me.  He's honestly shared with me how hard he's working, how hard this is, and how he's giving it his all -- but there is this one voice in him that's telling him to go back, to lie -- and how part of him wants to listen to that voice. 

That's scary.  But reassuring.  He's telling me what the addiction is telling him, so that it doesn't have as much power.  But, man, I wish it wasn't there.  In some ways, I wish I didn't know that my husband wants porn and filth and the way it makes him feel.  I wish I didn't know he has a hard time taking the kids out on a walk without seeking out women working in the yard or jogging.  But I'm glad I do know, because it means he's telling me his most painful secrets.  He's trying to strip their power.

So yeah, Mother's Day wasn't the warmest and fuzziest of experiences.  My kids were cute, sang beautifully in Sacrament meeting, the baby even took a good nap.  But, I got caught up and bogged down with the ugliness in my life, and not all the beautiful things.  I need to be more careful about that.  But, I woke up the next morning refreshed and renewed.  Cleansed of my deepest fears, that purged gunk no longer weighing me down.  I took my husband's hand as we had our morning prayers, looked him in the eye and told him I loved him and was proud of him.  After he stood up and he grabbed his '30 day recovery chip' off the nightstand and stuck it in his wallet and said, "Here's to 43 days . . . " and left for work.  I really am happy with my life.  The pain is becoming more productive and less present.  I am including God in my life every day.  My children will be so much better off for both of us working through all these issues.  The fact I could have a gut wrenching conversation about the scariest aspects of my husband's addiction in the evening, then wake up feeling full of hope and peace is a real testament to me of the power of God, the power of honesty, and the atonement.

And next year, Mother's Day is going to be better.  :-)