Step 1 Kinda Week

I was on an emotional roller coaster last week.  It took me several bouts of body wracking tear fests to realize that I wasn't where I needed to be.  At Jane's suggestion, I realized I was too wrapped up in everything going on, in my husband's recovery (even as it's going well), and I needed to detach.  To get out of the car for a bit. J and I talked, talked about some ground rules for the next week, and are giving me some space to get away from some of it for a bit.  This is such a delicate dance to try and figure out -- on one hand, I need his honesty for my own feelings of healing and security -- but, getting too immersed in this world of addiction leaves me hopeless and sad.  He has never felt more emotional intimacy, or vulnerability, in his entire life as he brings me his heartaches, pains, disappointments and frustrations, but runs the risk of becoming codependent himself as bringing me his pain becomes his sole means of handling it.  At first I was ready to just cut off, even contemplating having him spend a night or two at his parents, so I could have some time and space to myself to process for a few days.  I wanted him to stop talking to me altogether about it, to find someone else to talk to for a week or two (a very valid, and necessary step to take sometimes, like Marlee mentioned in her car analogy) -- then we went to a friend's wedding.  The Bishop performing the ceremony spoke some truly beautiful words -- that felt like they were directed to me and an answer to prayers.  The one that stood out the most, was after a dramatic pause, he said, "Tell each other your secrets, for then they hold no power."  I almost started to cry.  I have felt this as we've truly opened up to each other this last couple months.  I need some space, but mostly because I haven't been doing what I need to be doing.  But, he needs me to be there for him as he's working so hard right now and rebuilding our emotional intimacy, and for the first time being truly vulnerable with someone.  We talked about it afterwards, and I realized that I did need some space.  I needed some time to work on my own healing and process my own emotions.  But, as of right now, for us, it wasn't the time for me to disengage as much as I'd originally planned.  But we did talk about him needing to get this whole sponsor thing down more -- he needs to have other people he goes and talks with outside of meetings.  I need to figure out a sponsor (any takers?!) and get back to meetings.  Figure out babysitting and stop making excuses.  And we'll reevaluate in a week or so, and figure out what is working best for both of us. 

I find as we get further into recovery things are almost becoming more painful.  As I'm in a safe enough place emotionally to deal with the aftermath of his decisions, they are taking on new light and new pain as I truly process some of my feelings for the first time.  That said, the highs are so much higher.  I feel truly bonded to, affectionate towards, and loving with my husband in new ways.  Once I can get through the most recent trauma, I truly realize I'm stronger and happier than I was before I processed it.  I just need to get to better ways of handling it -- which is why I'm back at Step 1 this week.  Wish me luck.

Oh, and these videos that J watched at LifeStar this last week pretty much perfectly capture what it is he's finding out about himself right now . . . he's like to share them with anyone who'll listen . . . :-)