Lonely & Down

I've felt a little down lately.  A little isolated, sad and lonely, I guess.  



I was telling my husband the other day that my world feels very small.  I have four young kids -- two that are still taking naps (on opposite schedules), and both are horrible sleepers away from home.  So I don't go many places.  And when I'm feeling down, not going places leads to not getting going for the day -- staying in pajamas or not going outside or whatever other isolating behaviors manifest.  I clean the same messes, all day long.  I change diapers, all day long.  I break up sibling fights, all day long.  I read about porn addiction (sometimes it feels like all day long).  I feel like I'm accomplishing little of significance (unless you consider cleaning dry erase marker off the walls not once, not twice, but THREE times in a single day, significant), and that I'm not getting outside myself.  My only interactions with the outside world have been online, which seems to have lagged lately, and on the phone with my sister and sister in law.  Both of whom are totally supportive and know about the whole porn addiction thing, but I suddenly feel awkward talking about it with them.  J's doing well, and so it feels like people are expecting me to just feel so much better about everything.  Which, I kinda do.  Just not all the time. 


I get down about all the damage that's been done to mine and J's relationship, our intimacy, our trust -- I beat myself up for not seeing it sooner (not the porn problem, though that too, but how we were drifting apart).  Then add to it that he's actually doing fantastically well on this whole path to recovery and I feel like I'm the one holding us back.  He's really sweet about it, and tells me I'm more than entitled to my bad days, and that my recovery is mine alone and I shouldn't feel like it needs to 'match pace' with his.  (He's better at this detaching thing than I am, not surprisingly.)  We're making great strides in our relationship, which feels wonderful, healing and amazing -- but also vulnerable.  Like what if I'm just a big, dumb, idiot for trusting him again, for letting him get this close.  It would hurt so much more this time if he were to lie to me.  My hope ebbs and flows.  I have amazing days of so much happiness, peace and joy -- and then the next is like a dark hole I fall down into and feel so alone and scared, huddled in the corner, wondering if I'll ever truly get out.  I'll feel like I'm making great connections, then the next day feel totally alone and utterly isolated. 

I think at the heart of it, I know I'm slacking.  My step work has stalled -- I haven't been to meetings, I haven't been journaling, I haven't been actively working my own recovery.  Between a death in the family, planning a wedding in the family, caring for a very sick friend and the aforementioned four really young children, I've gotten busy and I've let it slide.  This post, more than anything is a reminder to me to remember that the whole recovery thing really does work (when I work it), and that when I'm not doing what I need to be doing for me, I feel crappier.

And with the loneliness thing, I'm just trying to remind myself that I'm not alone.  I'm not the only person going through this and trying to figure out life in the wake of upheaval and pain.  Which is why if your blog traffic shows me obsessively checking your blogs just waiting for you to post something again, it means I'm having one of those kind of days.  You understand, right?