I have a super great new Bishop.  As we've been increasingly stressed about our children's health, he has been there to support us every step of the way.  We've also shared with him much of what we've learned on this path of recovery, and he's already put me in contact with a woman in our Ward who wanted to talk to another wife about what she was going through.  I have a great relationship with our Bishop and his wife, so when my mind was racing one day about all these thoughts I was having about recovery and a Bishop's role in it, and past Bishop's we'd had, I typed up all my stream of consciousness thoughts into an email and sent it to him.  And he called me on his way home from work and talked about how much he loved what I had to say, asked for some clarification on some things, then asked if I could share my thoughts with the other Bishop's in the Stake at a Welfare meeting.  Um, sure?  :-)  So, here's the email I sent -- I feel all vulnerable posting it, 'cause it was a.) super off the cuff, and not proofread at all when I sent it, and b.) I know it's coming from a place of 'we're through the worst of it (HOPEFULLY!)', and that definitely puts things in a new light, and I don't want my email to come across as making any less of what someone is going through right now in their lives because I'm able to look back on our experience and see some of the blessings of it.  I know I talk of our 'long path' in the letter -- and I realize I've only been married for 9 years, a fraction of what some people dealing with this have.  I realize that while J has been struggling with this for over 20 years of his life, that there are people who've struggled with it much longer.  Our experience is by no means the hardest out there, as we've been quite blessed along the way and it could've been so much worse, but I felt like it was so important to me to stress to our Bishop not to tell people that enough prayer and fasting is the only answer, 'cause I know that even in 9 and 20 years of this trial, that being told that if you have enough faith it'll 'go away' starts to make you doubt the power of your own faith.

Anyway, here it is . . . 

Bishop,

 

I've been thinking a lot about trials and weaknesses lately.  Your meeting with us last week has had one thing repeating in my head, "That hard things aren't bad things."  I even spent the whole weekend reflecting on the trials in my life and their benefits.  Now, I'm still a little too close to the kids' health stuff to be seeing all the blessings, but I believe I will find them.  :-)  But, with the porn stuff, my heart has been full all weekend, for the blessings of this trial. 

For you, as a Bishop working with others, I just wanted to express a few things that are going through my mind about the topic.  This trial, the uphill battle of J's sobriety has been one of the great blessings in both of our lives.  For years we had Bishops encourage more prayer, more fasting, more faith, so God could take away the trial.  We had faith, we had prayer, and we fasted -- and J wanted to have God take away the trial, the temptation. But nothing changed.  Because he hadn't been ready to GIVE away the sin.  To do the backbreaking work of rewiring his brain, his life, uncovering what this addiction was hiding -- what he was medicating, his beliefs about himself and others that were painful or ugly.   It has been the long pathway -- the hours and hours in group therapy, talking with others in 12 step meetings, the studying and reading and journaling, that have truly changed J's life, while God has been working all things for his good and changing his heart.  It is just as much a miracle in my eyes as if J had woken up one day with this sin removed, his heart made clean and had no desire to sin again -- but in fighting for it, he has had the opportunity to learn about himself, about his relationships with his earthly parents and his Heavenly Parents.  He has learned SO much compassion, love and trust of others.  He's released years of shame and isolation and lack of self-worth and has begun to be truly healed by Christ as he has opened up and reached out and learned to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and mourn with those who mourn.  I believe God can miraculously heal us without therapy and 12 step groups, obviously -- but I believe He also has them here for our good.  And I believe that without reaching out and making connections for support or as support for others, that we are missing part of the equation of healing, of an opportunity to learn Christlike love, of mourning and comforting as commanded.

I'm afraid we inadvertently tell people that if they seek outside help (therapy, 12 step groups, group therapy), that they just don't have enough faith.  That they're not trusting God, that they don't truly believe in the power of the atonement.  But we have found the power of the atonement manifested to us in group therapy and 12 step groups -- and the healing of being with and sharing with people.  To having people love and accept you, warts and all.  To feel the shame that we've held on to slip away and be replaced with love and acceptance.  I've never felt my Savior so close as I have through these experiences.  I have felt Christlike love -- from my Savior and through others who are seeking Him on this same path.

I believe Christ's atonement works in a myriad of ways, and I think we sell ourselves short if we believe or, without meaning to, teach others that the miracles are only in the dramatic, or the 'poof' experiences.  (For years I wished God would just wave a magic wand and 'poof', J would be healed and whole and this trial would be over, thus the 'poof' experiences references.  I also had many Bishops encourage this line of thinking, that if we had enough faith, the sin and the desire to sin would just disappear.  Which, I believe it can -- I believe it works this way for some people.  I also believe that for many people, probably the majority, the healing comes through work and practice and learning about negative patterns and replacing them with healthier outlets, examining habits and patterns and replacing them with healthier ones, which effectively rewires the brain, and in connecting with people and letting go of the shame that's made them feel unloved or unconnected for so long.  That through that work, the miracle comes.  The desire to sin lessens, as the desire and understanding of good things and healthy outlets grows.  It's a more grueling process in some ways, but very worth it.  And the Savior is leading it every step of the way.)

The great miracle we've learned through all of this is God's hand in our lives, the truthfulness of the atonement and its power, and the immense power in reaching out and being with others.  This would not have been the same experience if it had been only handled silently in prayer, quietly alone in the temple and secretly in fasting.  Those things have been amazing and we wouldn't be here without them, but without the struggle, the therapy, the group meetings, the reaching out to others, neither of us would be the people we are now.  And as much as I just wanted the porn problem to just 'disappear' the first 8 years of my marriage, I am so grateful for the struggle it's been -- we are both better, richer people for it.  I know that living longer with sin affecting our life wasn't a good thing, but God makes all things work out for our good.  And the things J (and I) have learned about ourselves and what drives our bad behaviors and our hurt feelings, has brought us closer to each other, to God, and to healing.

I just want to share this, because as much as I believe Christ is the one true path to healing, I believe that sometimes we inadvertently make people feel like there is only one way the path to wholeness should look -- and that that one path is much more instantaneous and miraculous that it often is for most people.  If it hadn't had been this hard (if praying and fasting alone had been enough), what would we have missed out on?  We wouldn't be who we are now, and I wouldn't trade the testimony of the atonement that I've gained for an easier or quicker path.  I am grateful to know that God is there, has always been there, but that He is also willing to let us struggle, hurt and live in pain for awhile, so that when we find Him, when we find peace and healing and our Savior, that it is that much sweeter and full.  That we have learned so much more on this long road, that we have been refined in the process, so that we are stronger going into the next trial.  I think there were times we were almost ready to give up hope, because we hadn't gotten our 'miracle' yet.  Our praying and fasting and temple attendance must somehow be lacking, we thought.  Maybe we weren't good enough, didn't have enough faith, for God to take away this trial.  But I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for not making this path shorter or easier -- that He made us reach and work and struggle, and because of that we got desperate and started to work like never before.  That this struggle opened up a whole new world to us, and through it we've met some of the greatest people I've ever known, and we've been able to be those important people in the lives of others.  We've become emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually healthier people.  I just wanted to share this, because I know the path to healing and wholeness, in any number of trials, looks so different for each person.  And I just wanted to share that at times, if we preach only the 'ideal' of what repentance and forsaking of sins 'should' look like, we miss out on the variety of winding paths that God uses to bring us back to Him.

Sorry that was long -- I get rambly when I'm typing and the baby is napping.  :-)
Have a great week!

Thanks for everything,
HX

Changing Relationship

Had an interesting experience with my husband today.

He'd gone down to make breakfast, and after awhile came upstairs with tears just rolling down his face.  He came in and said, "I need to talk to you," and we sat down on the bed (while I tried not to have a mini-coronary, 'cause I was convinced he was going to be 'confessing' something that was going to break my heart or piss me off or both.  Seriously, him walking in with tears streaming down his face pretty much had me convinced that he'd looked at porn for the first time in 15 months or so.)

He sat there crying and finally said, "I am so tired right now, life is SO relentless, I just feel like everything is coming at me and I'm drowning and I hate it."  Basically, life is crazy for us right now -- our kids are dealing with expensive and uncertain medical problems, money's draining out of our savings account, J's HATING his job right now (which has never happened before -- he's worked for the company for 7 years and liked it until 3 months ago), we never spend any time together right now 'cause we're just constantly putting out fires and when he does come home if there's not something super pressing going on, I run away and escape and leave him with the kids for awhile 'cause I'm so stressed and overwhelmed.  Add to that J's been sick for about four weeks now (although he's on the mend, in theory).  Our kids, for whatever reason, this last couple weeks have been IMPOSSIBLY grumpy and whiny and fight-y and SO hard to deal with.  J never, ever, ever loses his temper with the kids, and I've seen him yell at them like three or four times this week.  I've NEVER seen him yell before this week, ever.  EVER.  I'm at my wit's end with them right now (my 18 month old is the world's grumpiest, clingiest baby right now, and I can't do ANYTHING without him hanging on my leg and crying, so I'm getting nothing done and my mounting clutter and disorder at home is stressing me out even more), and that stresses him out 'cause he feels like he's doing everything he can to help me out, and I'm still frustrated and tired and exhausted and annoyed and just so DONE with life piling everything on right now.  ANYWAY.  He talked about how he hates how he feels like he comes home and he's 'in charge' of the kids so I can get my part time work done (but before I could bristle much, he added that he knows I'm just doing what I need to, to get my stuff done -- and he realizes that if he's this worn out by the kids in 2 hours in the evening, that being with them all day must be exhausting, so he turned it around before I could even get miffed), and how he feels like he gets no 'me time' for himself (also, before I could bristle again, he acknowledged that he goes to LifeStar once a week and SA once a week, and how those are both time away and with other adults, something I don't get much of, and he realizes he gets time to himself, it just isn't recharging him like he wants it too.)


He basically just said he feels so overwhelmed and stressed.  All the time.  And it's hard.  I know it is, 'cause I'm feeling it too.  He said he was doing dishes after breakfast and it all just hit (while the kids were fighting and screaming at each other, they've seriously been crazy lately), and he just started crying.  The fact we were leaving for Church soon played into things to, as he admitted he feels like he gets nothing from Church right now.  He said he goes to SA and to LifeStar and gets something from every single meeting, but he goes to Church for three hours and wrestles with kids and feels like he gets nothing out of meetings, is making no real connections, and if he stopped coming altogether nobody would even notice.  (This actually led to a great discussion about how the biggest difference in these two situations is how he's interacting with others -- basically that he's totally open and honest and real at SA/LifeStar, and is therefore making real and genuine connections -- and I don't remember the last time I saw him make a comment in Sunday School, as he doesn't put himself out there at all.  And that he is the one with the most power to change him experience at Church.  Also, that he doesn't take four kids with him to SA -- that'd probably make it a lot harder meeting to get anything out of too.)  :-)

Basically, this is a hard time in our lives.

There's not much we can do about it right now, but just work through it.  It's not going anywhere anytime soon, and as we're learning, 'hard things are not bad things'.  And even the bad stuff teaches us something.

A few things came to mind:

1.) How defensive it made me feel at times, and HOW HARD it was for me not to throw in stuff like, "If you think you're frustrated after being with them for a little while, imagine what it's like for me all day . . ." or "If you feel like you never get a morning off 'cause you have SA on Saturday mornings and I 'make you' make breakfast on Sunday morning, realize we already split the weekend on making breakfasts, you're just gone on Saturdays. EVERY Saturday."  I bit my tongue well though, and we had a good discussion, and he did a good job acknowledging the other side of everything without me really having to point it out.  I realize how focused I am on me -- that life is hard for me right now, and I want that acknowledged even when he's sharing with me how painful it is for him right now.  I should probably jot this down in my Step 4 Inventory journal or something . . . :-)

2.) I know this sounds SO stupid, but I realized how HARD it is for him to not 'numb pain'.  And I feel for him.  I mean, it's better this way, but I feel for him.  For someone who's had a porn addiction for 20 years, he's talked recently about how he's had to learn to feel his emotions, and how it's REALLY hard and how he sometimes thinks, "Wow, things were easier when I didn't have to 'feel' all this."  I realized how much I numb my own pain -- getting online, watching TV, working on my computer, eating Chocolate Covered Macadamia Caramels from Coscto . . . and I realized that he, on the other hand, has replaced his addiction with nothing but healthy working through of emotions.  And what a huge change that is for him, and how freaking difficult it must be sometimes.

3.) I realized that although I really, really, really want him to get all healthy and deal with his emotions and all that -- that when he actually does, it makes me defensive and feel slightly attacked or judged (not that he was doing that, I'm just awfully used to a husband who complains about NOTHING and has no problems with ANYTHING, 'cause he was just numbed out and that's how he dealt with things -- now he's coming to me in healthy ways to express what he needs in life and in our marriage, and I'm having a hard time with it, with the feedback from him, even when he's right on and I totally see he has a point.

4.)  Life is hard right now -- I don't want to say 'it sucks', though I often do in my head right now, but it really doesn't, it's just hard and relentless feeling right now.  On one hand, it's reassuring to see him actually seeing that and living that and being WITH me on that (whereas I used to feel like he never stressed about anything, and I was stressed about something, and there was 'obviously' something wrong with me -- when it turned out he was just blocking out all the stress with porn binging) -- on the other hand though, I miss having someone who doesn't ever get rattled, who wasn't ever scared or nervous or upset or angry or frustrated or overwhelmed, who never seemed 'done' with the kids or the chores or life -- it was some weird anchor or rock or something, that I could get all stressed out, but he'd always be calm, rational and even.  Having him ride the waves of emotion and uncertainty with me is unsettling at times, even though it's preferable to him just numbing and zoning out.

So basically, I'm seeing how our relationship is changing, and although I'm getting 'everything I ever wanted' (a connected husband with actual emotions who doesn't just think he has to stay 'even' and 'cool' and 'calm' all the time, and isn't looking at porn), that after 9 years of marriage, this is a difficult, and at times unsettling, change for me.

It's for the better, but it's an adjustment.