So, per usual, I'm forever behind on updating my WoPA blog. As just an update on our lives, J is doing really well. He's actively involved in a local SA group (he's even treasurer or secretary or whoever it is that leads to boxes of White Books being shipped to our house fairly regularly.) He loves it. He also attends a truly amazing LifeStar group -- the guys are all working hard, they get along, there's no walls up and they get together to hang out and go to dinner together. For the first time, I feel like J has his own support system and group of friends that he's truly himself with.
As for me, you combine several young kids, lack of sleep, some serious health scares (first with me, now we're in the midst of them with the kids), and a not-as-impressive-as-J's-recovery work, and well, I hit my rock bottom. Several months ago I went to see a therapist (finally! what took me so long?!) about my 'depression'. And then was quite shocked (silly, clueless HX) as she talked in length about my very obvious and fairly severe anxiety. Anxiety? It'd never crossed my mind. But now, the endless fears, endless 'what ifs' and scary outcomes in our lives, started to make sense. My mind was a runaway freight train, taking my kids' health and husbands' addiction on some crazy ride that was relentless and endlessly frightening.
I decided I needed to stop being a slacker, crack open my 12 step manual, and get to meetings. But, um, I didn't. I thought about it a lot though. That almost counts, right? (Um, no?)
But then, as it seems to happen, the perfect thing at the perfect time fell into my lap. I heard about this new place in Utah County called Addo Recovery. And the best part was -- this was a place that seemed mainly concerned about the women in these relationships. And, because of the care and compassion and concern of the business owners and therapists, they were offering a six week workshop called 'Healing From Betrayal Trauma' for wives. Myself, and several of my favoritest people and fellow bloggers, were in the flagship group. And, you guys, it was amazing. Each week I came out of those meetings of such a high, that it lasted me most of the week. (I went in person, it was also broadcast over the internet at the same time for out of state participants.) I 'felt, felt'. Hearing the research on this whole trauma model, it was like someone was looking right inside me and seeing me and what I'd been through. Most of what I applied each week I was actually focusing on my kids' health issues and the lack of control and all the stress I was feeling over that, and not the porn stuff, but I couldn't believe how much more capable, resilient, strong and in a better place as I soaked up all that Dr. Kevin Skinner (an industry-leading therapist) had to say. Each week was complete with assessments, personalized homework, articles and other things to reinforce the weekly presentation.
The entire program was designed to bring peace -- and it did. I mean, not complete and total or anything -- it's not a miracle cure :-) But, I feel more on the path I want to be on. Each week I felt an added measure of peace, more control of my own life and emotions. I'm still working to apply the things I've learned, I've rewritten out all my notes twice now, and each time I do I pick up something new. I have a renewed determination to find my own path, my own happiness, my own peace -- and myself!
My main take away really was that I am resilient. More than I know. I don't give myself enough credit. I've got through some crazy painful stuff, and I'm still standing. I have crazy stressful stuff still ahead with my kids, but I'll get through. I can better recognize the choices that are available to me -- I feel less out of control, and see all the many ways I determine my own life's joy and peace. This was seriously one of the most healing things I've done in this whole journey I've been on. I love the 12 step stuff, I really do, and I now have a renewed dedication to working my own recovery through 12 steps -- but, the whole codependency model (while I recognize some of what I struggle with in this arena) just never spoke to me like the trauma model did. It was the most validating, accepting and affirming education I've found so far. Dr. Skinner talks about the importance of 'feeling felt' (which I referenced earlier) -- and this was that for me -- I felt like someone (a professional someone with lots of titles behind his name even) got what I was feeling -- and was even telling me it was normal, natural, and now let's take the steps of getting out of it. I'm excited and rejuvenated in my recovery -- I'm doing new things that bring me peace and a sense of control and ownership over my pain and my joy. I am happier than I've been. I'm moving forward in a healthier way.
I heartily recommend checking out their website at www.addorecovery.com -- and contacting them. I know for now they want to keep the women's trauma course free, and to reach out and help women everywhere. Seriously, what do you have to lose?
