Changing Relationship

Had an interesting experience with my husband today.

He'd gone down to make breakfast, and after awhile came upstairs with tears just rolling down his face.  He came in and said, "I need to talk to you," and we sat down on the bed (while I tried not to have a mini-coronary, 'cause I was convinced he was going to be 'confessing' something that was going to break my heart or piss me off or both.  Seriously, him walking in with tears streaming down his face pretty much had me convinced that he'd looked at porn for the first time in 15 months or so.)

He sat there crying and finally said, "I am so tired right now, life is SO relentless, I just feel like everything is coming at me and I'm drowning and I hate it."  Basically, life is crazy for us right now -- our kids are dealing with expensive and uncertain medical problems, money's draining out of our savings account, J's HATING his job right now (which has never happened before -- he's worked for the company for 7 years and liked it until 3 months ago), we never spend any time together right now 'cause we're just constantly putting out fires and when he does come home if there's not something super pressing going on, I run away and escape and leave him with the kids for awhile 'cause I'm so stressed and overwhelmed.  Add to that J's been sick for about four weeks now (although he's on the mend, in theory).  Our kids, for whatever reason, this last couple weeks have been IMPOSSIBLY grumpy and whiny and fight-y and SO hard to deal with.  J never, ever, ever loses his temper with the kids, and I've seen him yell at them like three or four times this week.  I've NEVER seen him yell before this week, ever.  EVER.  I'm at my wit's end with them right now (my 18 month old is the world's grumpiest, clingiest baby right now, and I can't do ANYTHING without him hanging on my leg and crying, so I'm getting nothing done and my mounting clutter and disorder at home is stressing me out even more), and that stresses him out 'cause he feels like he's doing everything he can to help me out, and I'm still frustrated and tired and exhausted and annoyed and just so DONE with life piling everything on right now.  ANYWAY.  He talked about how he hates how he feels like he comes home and he's 'in charge' of the kids so I can get my part time work done (but before I could bristle much, he added that he knows I'm just doing what I need to, to get my stuff done -- and he realizes that if he's this worn out by the kids in 2 hours in the evening, that being with them all day must be exhausting, so he turned it around before I could even get miffed), and how he feels like he gets no 'me time' for himself (also, before I could bristle again, he acknowledged that he goes to LifeStar once a week and SA once a week, and how those are both time away and with other adults, something I don't get much of, and he realizes he gets time to himself, it just isn't recharging him like he wants it too.)


He basically just said he feels so overwhelmed and stressed.  All the time.  And it's hard.  I know it is, 'cause I'm feeling it too.  He said he was doing dishes after breakfast and it all just hit (while the kids were fighting and screaming at each other, they've seriously been crazy lately), and he just started crying.  The fact we were leaving for Church soon played into things to, as he admitted he feels like he gets nothing from Church right now.  He said he goes to SA and to LifeStar and gets something from every single meeting, but he goes to Church for three hours and wrestles with kids and feels like he gets nothing out of meetings, is making no real connections, and if he stopped coming altogether nobody would even notice.  (This actually led to a great discussion about how the biggest difference in these two situations is how he's interacting with others -- basically that he's totally open and honest and real at SA/LifeStar, and is therefore making real and genuine connections -- and I don't remember the last time I saw him make a comment in Sunday School, as he doesn't put himself out there at all.  And that he is the one with the most power to change him experience at Church.  Also, that he doesn't take four kids with him to SA -- that'd probably make it a lot harder meeting to get anything out of too.)  :-)

Basically, this is a hard time in our lives.

There's not much we can do about it right now, but just work through it.  It's not going anywhere anytime soon, and as we're learning, 'hard things are not bad things'.  And even the bad stuff teaches us something.

A few things came to mind:

1.) How defensive it made me feel at times, and HOW HARD it was for me not to throw in stuff like, "If you think you're frustrated after being with them for a little while, imagine what it's like for me all day . . ." or "If you feel like you never get a morning off 'cause you have SA on Saturday mornings and I 'make you' make breakfast on Sunday morning, realize we already split the weekend on making breakfasts, you're just gone on Saturdays. EVERY Saturday."  I bit my tongue well though, and we had a good discussion, and he did a good job acknowledging the other side of everything without me really having to point it out.  I realize how focused I am on me -- that life is hard for me right now, and I want that acknowledged even when he's sharing with me how painful it is for him right now.  I should probably jot this down in my Step 4 Inventory journal or something . . . :-)

2.) I know this sounds SO stupid, but I realized how HARD it is for him to not 'numb pain'.  And I feel for him.  I mean, it's better this way, but I feel for him.  For someone who's had a porn addiction for 20 years, he's talked recently about how he's had to learn to feel his emotions, and how it's REALLY hard and how he sometimes thinks, "Wow, things were easier when I didn't have to 'feel' all this."  I realized how much I numb my own pain -- getting online, watching TV, working on my computer, eating Chocolate Covered Macadamia Caramels from Coscto . . . and I realized that he, on the other hand, has replaced his addiction with nothing but healthy working through of emotions.  And what a huge change that is for him, and how freaking difficult it must be sometimes.

3.) I realized that although I really, really, really want him to get all healthy and deal with his emotions and all that -- that when he actually does, it makes me defensive and feel slightly attacked or judged (not that he was doing that, I'm just awfully used to a husband who complains about NOTHING and has no problems with ANYTHING, 'cause he was just numbed out and that's how he dealt with things -- now he's coming to me in healthy ways to express what he needs in life and in our marriage, and I'm having a hard time with it, with the feedback from him, even when he's right on and I totally see he has a point.

4.)  Life is hard right now -- I don't want to say 'it sucks', though I often do in my head right now, but it really doesn't, it's just hard and relentless feeling right now.  On one hand, it's reassuring to see him actually seeing that and living that and being WITH me on that (whereas I used to feel like he never stressed about anything, and I was stressed about something, and there was 'obviously' something wrong with me -- when it turned out he was just blocking out all the stress with porn binging) -- on the other hand though, I miss having someone who doesn't ever get rattled, who wasn't ever scared or nervous or upset or angry or frustrated or overwhelmed, who never seemed 'done' with the kids or the chores or life -- it was some weird anchor or rock or something, that I could get all stressed out, but he'd always be calm, rational and even.  Having him ride the waves of emotion and uncertainty with me is unsettling at times, even though it's preferable to him just numbing and zoning out.

So basically, I'm seeing how our relationship is changing, and although I'm getting 'everything I ever wanted' (a connected husband with actual emotions who doesn't just think he has to stay 'even' and 'cool' and 'calm' all the time, and isn't looking at porn), that after 9 years of marriage, this is a difficult, and at times unsettling, change for me.

It's for the better, but it's an adjustment. 

Let's Get Together, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

OK, so I'm TOTALLY ripping off Harriet and even posting her exact wording and everything, 'cause I'm THAT lazy, but also this was THAT important for me to get on my blog and spread the word!

I am so excited to be a part of such an amazing event.  Awesome Jacy has put together a one day conference in SLC and we are all invited.  It will be a day of learning, healing and growing.

Come and spend the day with me and my friends and be renewed, restrengthened and loved.  We are not alone.

Money a little tight?  No problem.  We've all been there.  There are scholarships available.

I've registered.  Have you?

See you there.

 

 

 

 

It's me, HX, again: I'm so excited for this you guys! I can't wait! Meeting women who were going through the same thing as me was a game changer, a life changer.  It changed everything.  If you can do this, do it.  If you can't do this, reach out and make connections elsewhere.  Having real, in life friends in this world made it an infinitely less scary place.  Love you guys!

Recovery for Me

So, per usual, I'm forever behind on updating my WoPA blog.  As just an update on our lives, J is doing really well.  He's actively involved in a local SA group (he's even treasurer or secretary or whoever it is that leads to boxes of White Books being shipped to our house fairly regularly.)  He loves it.  He also attends a truly amazing LifeStar group -- the guys are all working hard, they get along, there's no walls up and they get together to hang out and go to dinner together.  For the first time, I feel like J has his own support system and group of friends that he's truly himself with. 

As for me, you combine several young kids, lack of sleep, some serious health scares (first with me, now we're in the midst of them with the kids), and a not-as-impressive-as-J's-recovery work, and well, I hit my rock bottom.  Several months ago I went to see a therapist (finally! what took me so long?!) about my 'depression'.  And then was quite shocked (silly, clueless HX) as she talked in length about my very obvious and fairly severe anxiety.  Anxiety?  It'd never crossed my mind.  But now, the endless fears, endless 'what ifs' and scary outcomes in our lives, started to make sense.  My mind was a runaway freight train, taking my kids' health and husbands' addiction on some crazy ride that was relentless and endlessly frightening. 

I decided I needed to stop being a slacker, crack open my 12 step manual, and get to meetings.  But, um, I didn't.  I thought about it a lot though.  That almost counts, right?  (Um, no?)

But then, as it seems to happen, the perfect thing at the perfect time fell into my lap.  I heard about this new place in Utah County called Addo Recovery.  And the best part was -- this was a place that seemed mainly concerned about the women in these relationships.  And, because of the care and compassion and concern of the business owners and therapists, they were offering a six week workshop called 'Healing From Betrayal Trauma' for wives.  Myself, and several of my favoritest people and fellow bloggers, were in the flagship group.  And, you guys, it was amazing.  Each week I came out of those meetings of such a high, that it lasted me most of the week.  (I went in person, it was also broadcast over the internet at the same time for out of state participants.)   I 'felt, felt'.  Hearing the research on this whole trauma model, it was like someone was looking right inside me and seeing me and what I'd been through.  Most of what I applied each week I was actually focusing on my kids' health issues and the lack of control and all the stress I was feeling over that, and not the porn stuff, but I couldn't believe how much more capable, resilient, strong and in a better place as I soaked up all that Dr. Kevin Skinner (an industry-leading therapist) had to say.  Each week was complete with assessments, personalized homework, articles and other things to reinforce the weekly presentation. 

The entire program was designed to bring peace -- and it did.  I mean, not complete and total or anything -- it's not a miracle cure :-)  But, I feel more on the path I want to be on.  Each week I felt an added measure of peace, more control of my own life and emotions.  I'm still working to apply the things I've learned, I've rewritten out all my notes twice now, and each time I do I pick up something new.  I have a renewed determination to find my own path, my own happiness, my own peace -- and myself! 


My main take away really was that I am resilient.  More than I know.  I don't give myself enough credit.  I've got through some crazy painful stuff, and I'm still standing.  I have crazy stressful stuff still ahead with my kids, but I'll get through.  I can better recognize the choices that are available to me -- I feel less out of control, and see all the many ways I determine my own life's joy and peace.  This was seriously one of the most healing things I've done in this whole journey I've been on. I love the 12 step stuff, I really do, and I now have a renewed dedication to working my own recovery through 12 steps -- but, the whole codependency model (while I recognize some of what I struggle with in this arena) just never spoke to me like the trauma model did.  It was the most validating, accepting and affirming education I've found so far.  Dr. Skinner talks about the importance of 'feeling felt' (which I referenced earlier) -- and this was that for me -- I felt like someone (a professional someone with lots of titles behind his name even) got what I was feeling -- and was even telling me it was normal, natural, and now let's take the steps of getting out of it. I'm excited and rejuvenated in my recovery -- I'm doing new things that bring me peace and a sense of control and ownership over my pain and my joy.  I am happier than I've been.  I'm moving forward in a healthier way. 



I heartily recommend checking out their website at www.addorecovery.com -- and contacting them.  I know for now they want to keep the women's trauma course free, and to reach out and help women everywhere.  Seriously, what do you have to lose? 

My Husband's Letter to His Addict Self

In his LifeStar therapy, my husband wrote a letter to the addict part of himself.  While reading it in group tonight, he said he got quite emotional and then when he was done it felt like a giant weight had been lifted and he felt 'free' from some of the ideas that the addict part of him was still clinging to.  He said he was happy to share it, I'd already posted it on the forum, so I thought I'd share it here too:

Dear Addict,
First of all I would like to say thanks for all that you have given me.  You have allowed me to be what I thought that I needed to be.  You have allowed me to be even and hide my emotions when I thought that I needed to do that.  Any time that I have been lonely or bored, you have been there to provide excitement and a secret rush.  Even though you have been the source of much of my shame and pain, you have been there to mask the hurt and hide the sorrow. 

I thought that I needed to fit into a nice even emotionless box.  I thought that I was not allowed to show emotion, that it was not part of my personality, and that I needed to hide from anything that was too dark or too light.  I thought that I didn’t need the full range of emotions.  I thought that it was better that I be even and centered.  You gave me that.  You let me bottle up my emotions around everyone else, so that I wouldn’t have any anxieties or worries.  However by doing so you also bottled up my joy and happiness.  I have lived an emotionless life for way too long and I now know that I am better for having, feeling and expressing my emotions.

While you have been there to help me cope through some tough times, you have caused me significant shame and pain.  You have cost me the trust of the woman that I love.  You have made many things in my life dirty and unclean.  You were there when I was sealed to my wonderful wife.  You were there when I unworthily blessed each of my children.  You were there when I acted in my role as a husband and father when I was feeling the shame and pain of what I had become on the inside.  When I was troubled and when I was hurt all you offered me was a cheap thrill and more shame and more pain in an attempt to escape the emotions that could have set me free. 

You were there when I needed to connect with others.  You gave me a false connection that felt real and felt whole.  You let me pretend that I didn’t need friends.  When I didn’t have anyone close to me you let me believe that it was ok.  You were always there for me when I didn’t have anyone else.  When I was alone.  When I was in need.  Yet you never gave me anything that lasted.  Every time that I turned to you, all I was handed was cheap and painful.  You never gave me anything that was real or of value.  Even though you were there as a crutch that I leaned on and even liked, I see now that I don’t need you, and that I am infinitely better off without you.

You have been there through my career.  You have let me think that it is ok to go to work each day, and then do nothing.  You have been there with me in the hours and days alone on the internet that I have wasted looking at porn and other things on the internet.  I have given you too much say and too much control throughout my life.

I realize now that none of what I thought that I needed from you actually helped me.  You just caused me to be less of a man.  Instead of dealing with my troubles and trials, I just ran to my drug and hid from my problems.  None of what you have ever given me has actually helped me to be a better person.  You have always given me the easy answer and have let me hide from my shame.  This has never let me grow or heal from my pain.

I am done with you.  I want to feel.  I want to have sorrow that I may know joy.  I want to feel the pain of life so I can know what love is.  I want to face life and grow rather than pretend that I can have my secret addiction and not let it affect me.  I want joy in my life.  I want to have a life that is worth living.  I want to be able to feel that I can go to my Savior and say that I have done my best.  That I have turned to Him for help when I have needed it rather than turned to you. 

At least you have given me something that will be useful throughout my life.  You have given me the chance to have compassion.  You have let me know what the dark is like so I can see the light.  You have let me see my own weakness so I know how I need my Savior, and how I can be there for someone else who is in pain.  Because of you, I can be one of the lower lights for another that is lost at sea.  I can help and be there for another that, like me, is in pain and has this burden in life.  Because of you, I can be there for another to help him turn to Christ.

So while you have pretended to be there for me for many years, I am done.  I don’t need you.  I don’t want you in my life.  I never want to rely on you again.  Get out of my life.  Go away and never shadow my door again.  I have learned what I need from you, and have gained the understanding of my weakness that helps me to have humility and  turn to my Savior.  I am sick of your ways.  I want to have light and love and emotion in my life, and you are not able to to give them to me.  I want to feel the highs and lows. I want to be whole and healed, and you can’t make that happen.  I want to look at my wife and feel the love I have for her, and not be burdened by the shame of what you have given me.  I want to be the father that my children need me to be so that they have the best chance of becoming good wholesome children of God, and you can’t be a part of that. 

Shut up addict.

In other news, my health issues are still up in the air, and I'm frustrated by the snail's pace we're getting answers, but I'm starting to feel more peace that things will turn out fine.  I'm going to see a counselor next week, which I'm really excited about -- I'm just tired of feeling rundown and weary with life and kids and all that and decided I should go talk to someone. 

Well, I guess that's it . . . I managed to check in quarterly once again :-)

Update

So, my last post was all about how tired and weary I was feeling.  Four young kids, a toddler with night terrors and a baby who refuses to sleep through the night, and that's not really that surprising.  So, for awhile now, I've kept thinking it made sense -- of course I'm exhausted and tired and want to sleep for just one stretch of several hours without anyone needing me.  But, it was getting to be too much -- I was not only tired, but physically and emotionally weary all the time.  It can't be normal to feel this way.

So, I called my doctor again, wanted my thyroid checked and stuff like that.

The blood work came back.  I have some big challenges ahead of me to get me back to normal -- my thyroid function is fortunately fine.  But, I'm so severely anemic that I'm we're talking about such options as IVs/hospital visits to start to rebuild some iron stores.  There's also several other levels that are so drastically low that my doctor commented she was shocked I was able to put one foot in front of the other, let alone care for four young kids.

So, I'm kind of just reeling right now.  I'm not happy with my doctor and how she's handled things (i.e., I've been anemic in the past, and called several times in the last couple months asking questions about thyroid issues, since I was so run down and losing piles of hair still, and not only did she never have me come in, she wasn't even returning my calls.)  I feel kinda stupid I didn't push things more, when I knew on one level that something was wrong, but you just have to understand how tired I am.  Pushing someone wasn't even a possibility in my mind.  So, I'm taking my lab results and seeing a new doctor.

On one hand I'm hopeful that now that we've identified the problem (or several of them), we can start to rebuild me from the ground up and maybe there's a possibility I won't forever be a zombie in my own life.  Wish me luck.  The other part of me is just sad and scared that I'm having a health crisis I've ignored for too long.  I'm afraid of the long road, and I wonder how long it'll be 'til I start to feel better and like myself again.  Prayers, please.  :-)

Apparently I Can Swing One Update a Quarter :-)

Hey everyone!  I know I've been totally M.I.A., but I have been reading your blogs.  I always mean to comment, and I'm thinking of all of you, I just haven't had the mental energy to compose actual responses or blog posts :-)

Things are going pretty good.  Recovery wise I'm not doing everything I need to, but I'm doing something, so that's better than nothing.  Life has me, not down, but kinda down?  Does that make sense?  I'm not depressed per se, just overwhelmed I guess.  I feel like, for lack of better words, I'm drowning in motherhood.  I love my kids, more than words, but MAN is motherhood exhausting sometimes.  I feel like I'm living in that movie Groundhog Day, but with far, far, far more poop, vomit and snot.  I know this is just a time and a season -- I have four kids between 10 months and 6 years old, so it feels so relentless with the constant care of their every need.  I wake up and nurse the baby, then start on feeding them all food, then clean up from said food making, then I swear it's time to feed someone else.  In between I change diapers.  Rinse and repeat.  The problem is the more overwhelmed I feel, the less productive I'm becoming.  I'm finding way too many excuses to just curl up with the kids and let them watch PBS while I watch something on Hulu on the laptop.  I feel too tired to do much more.  I want to sleep again from the time I wake up.  My baby is FINALLY starting to sleep a little better, and the two middle kids take turns waking up all night from nightmares, being thirsty, needing their covers pulled back up.  And my husband is a total saint when it comes to this -- he handles almost everything with any kid who doesn't nurse at bedtime and during the night, but it still wakes me up.  Again and again.  I feel like I have NOTHING left at the end of the day.  Which makes me feel guilty for how little my husband gets from me.  And guilt just makes me feel more tired.  He's been awesome, trying to help out more, taking the kids off my hands, sending me out shopping with my sisters, doing more of the cooking -- and I feel so wiped out at the end of the day once the kids are down I want to curl up with a book or veg out and watch something mindless (and he doesn't watch any almost TV or movies anymore, so it's not something we can do together), and I want to be ALONE.  I don't want anyone to need me, to touch me, to be too close, I just want a quiet room where I'm left alone.  But I feel bad that here my husband is being super Dad, and after getting the three older kids down for bed all on his own, he just wants to spend time with me.  He wants to talk, he wants to cuddle, I'm sure he'd like to have sex, and all I can think of is how much I want to be left alone, untouched and in quiet solitude.  He's really understanding about it, but I feel like if I turn him away at every turn, I'm being selfish.  And not a 'not taking care of myself, only worry about others, dysfunctional' kinda way -- but in a true partnership, my needs shouldn't always trump his, so I need to figure out this balance. 

I keep telling myself I just need to make it to the baby being a year old, then everything will get better.  I'm not quite sure why I think that though, it's not like it'll magically change, but in my head, we'll hit a year and I'll get more of a routine down, we'll accomplish more, I'll keep my house cleaner, I'll carve out more time to exercise and take care of myself, I'll wake up early and get ready before the kids up . . . but it's pretty unrealistic to think this will all just flip on like a switch just 'cause the baby turns a year old. 

So yeah, drowning in motherhood is the best way I can describe my life right now.  Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely grateful for my incredible blessings -- four beautiful, amazing kids, a loving husband who's working his recovery like a rock star, and my opportunity to stay home with the kids without it being financially devastating to us.  I see God's hand all over the place in my life, and I'm really, truly grateful and happy for all my blessings.  But I'm tired (really, really, really tired.)  I feel slow and useless as unfinished projects outnumber the finished ones, I feel ungrateful and frankly, kinda stupid, for my dwindling spiritual progression (for the first time in our married life, I'm not consistently reading scriptures at night -- I think all day I should do it while I'm more awake and not as exhausted and it doesn't happen -- and more and more I just end the night with a quick prayer with my husband than roll over and fall asleep without reading even a superficial amount of scriptures and without saying my personal prayers.  I'm not quite sure why I'm being such a slacker in this area.  I may not have always had the most meaningful of scripture study, but even just out of habit I read every single day of our marriage (unless I was in labor! :)), and it's not just scriptures that are falling by the wayside, my prayers are fizzling out to something far less meaningful than I'd prefer.  I'm working on it, it's just slow going as I work my way back to something closer to where I want to be.
And, just to update on all aspects of our family story -- my husband is doing well in recovery.  Really well in fact.  When my burn out was escalating, I asked him if he could scale back meetings (he was gone 3 times a week, including a mix of group therapy (LifeStar), LDS PASG and SA meetings), and we've settled into a more workable routine of one LifeStar meeting a week (Tuesday evenings) and one SA meeting (Saturday morning).  It's helped a lot to have him around more, and it seems to be a nice mix for him.  He had been alternating SA and PASG meetings, but he's settled into just attending SA as he feels it's a better fit for him, and the scheduling works out better for us.  He misses the PASG meetings, but really feels like while doing LifeStar that the SA combination is working best.  He isn't working the steps the way I expect -- silly expectations -- but when I stop and look I really see him working.  (He hasn't finished his Step 4 Inventory in the last 6-7 months, but he is consistently working the LifeStar program and I'm learning to see that his progress is tremendous and I need to let go of some of my expectations of how this whole recovery thing should go.)  He goes to SA and participates and reads and studies, but he is currently focusing on his pretty intense homework load from LifeStar while he is in the program.  I expressed frustration at one point that he wasn't 'working the steps', and he pointed out gently that he is working them, just differently, and that while he was attending and paying for LifeStar that is where he was going to put his focus for now.  Which makes sense.  And it really does cover so much of the personal exploration and honesty that the steps do, just in different ways and through different means.  And I really don't want to discount the step work he is doing -- he loves his SA meetings and he does actively work on turning things over to God and to study the steps while he's at SA or working with his sponsor, it's just not currently the 'homework' he's doing.  He's making real progress.  After so, so, so many false starts, he really does seem to be 'getting it' this time.  He's so honest and open and he's making real connections with the men in his LifeStar group and in SA (one of the reasons he prefers SA is he feels like it's been more conducive to forming bonds with the other people there -- the LDS meetings were filled with different people from week to week, with little to no visiting afterwards.)  He emails, texts and calls others -- and while not a 'sponsor' per se, he has several men who text him when they need someone to lean on.  He recently told both his sister and my brother about his struggles, in hopes of helping them with some things they're dealing with in our lives, (meaning all of our siblings and parents now know) and has reached out to a couple brothers in our Ward that the Bishop asked him to talk to and has gone to meetings with them.  He's shed layers and layers of shame and really seems to love himself in a new way.  People comment on him having more personality, being more open and funny and talkative.  He got a big promotion at work.  Things seem to be going really, really well for him.  I feel confident in his honesty to me.  I wish I could say this means I don't suddenly burst into tears over some trigger or another, or that I don't have moments (days?  weeks?) where I don't wallow in self-pity-filled thoughts of, "What if it comes back?  What happens to our lives then?  What if I'm too fat?  Too ugly?  What if he's only pretending to love me?  To find me attractive? What if he's just being so sweet because he feels guilty?  What if none of this is real?"  It just goes to show that a.) this crap does a number on a wife's head, and b.) this is why I have my own recovery to work. 

So, long story short (too late), life is good.  It really, really is.  I'm just tired.  And I'm falling short in some areas I need to improve on (productivity, being more 'present' for my kids for more of the day, physically taking care of myself better, spiritually and on my relationship with my husband), but I think things are headed in the right direction.  And hey, my baby will be a year old soon.  Then everything will get better.  Right?  Right??  :)  (I really need to learn to let that expectation go, or I'm gonna be sorely disappointed (and still tired) when his birthday comes!)

Update on Life

I have passing thoughts on stuff I could blog about.  I even start composing it in my head, preparing to sit up to the computer and start typing.

But then someone usually dumps a bowl of cereal on the carpet or has a blow out diaper.

Life's been busy.

I feel like I'm getting to a progressively better place emotionally in terms of recovery.  But I'm left with this feeling of just being stuck.  Trapped, almost.  Sinking, maybe?  Not strong feelings of these things, nothing overwhelming, they're just there and making me feel claustrophobic. It's not even by the porn stuff, though it plays a part.  I'm at that stage in life with small children.  Really small.  And lots of 'em.  :-)  I wake up, nurse the baby, feed the kids, change diapers, clean messes.  Lots of messes.  Then there's more diapers.  And more messes, and more diapers, and sometimes it's those diapers making messes outside of the confines of the diaper, and those messes are the worst.  There's laundry that is never done, dishes that are never done, and cooking (ugh, the cooking) that is most definitely never done.  My husband has been working a lot lately.  Like ridiculous amounts.  We've been busy with family events, there's just been a lot on our plates, and while the change of scenery has been nice as we've travelled hundreds of miles recently to various family functions, I feel like I spend most days locked inside the ever closing in walls of my house.  It's almost not worth the effort to load four kids in to carseats and boosters to go anywhere, not to mention schedule outings around naps, and then handle public meltdowns when they happen -- so we stay home a lot.  (Add to that my kids have all been passing around a nasty summer bug, and we've spent the last three weeks with at least one kid, usually more, too sick to even go out in public.)  I feel cut off, I think.  Last year J and I both had intensive Church callings, that while stressful, gave us links and connections with other people that I'm realizing that we're both feeling the loss of now that we both have different callings that require far fewer interactions with far fewer people in the Ward.  I think I have some cabin fever going on here -- feeling isolated and trapped.  I told J the other day that my world seems very, very 'small', and feels like it's getting smaller every day.  The longer the kids are sick, the more hours J has to work, and the more behind I get behind on housework -- it all lends to this feeling like I'm stuck in this Groundhog's day where the only change is the color of my kids' snot and an ever growing pile of laundry. 

I've also been stressing about my budget.  I recently figured J's monthly group therapy costs into our budget, as well as the nearly $120 a month he's spending in gas to get to various meetings and group, and I started to cry.  Between unexpected repair bills, aforementioned family stuffs, and life in general, we went $818 over budget last month.  Ugh.  We're fortunate enough that we have some backup in place to cover such overages, but I just realized that with therapy in the mix, not to mention the driving to and from such things, we have eliminated any and all wiggle room in our budget -- in fact, we're in the 'drawing money out of savings most months' zone, and it's stressing me out.  And, just between you and me Internet, it's making me a tiny bit bitter about the money being spent on recovery.  Which is stupid -- is there ANY better investment in our family than this!?  And it's going well -- J is becoming this new person right in front of my eyes.  He's open, transparent and vulnerable -- he reaches out to me and others -- emailing with and calling guys from group and from SA to lend support and comfort in their trials.  And with the exception of one very minor slip almost two months ago, he's like 16 weeks into a sober recovery.  After working long hours for way too many days straight, he was getting ready to go in to work late one Sunday night, and he pulled me aside before leaving and said, "Hey hon, when I was upstairs getting ready for work, I had this thought that I could just go look at porn, and nobody would have to know . . . I'm telling you this 'cause I don't want that to be my solution . . . I know I'm just bummed and a little angry that I have to work again, I'm tired and just done with work right now, and now I'm gonna have to work overnight and then sleep all day tomorrow . . . wanting to look at porn is just me wanting to escape how hard this last couple weeks of work have been, and there's better ways for me to do this . . . "  Seriously, how is that not worth the money we're spending? 

Now that I've spewed out my frustrations, I want you to know that I'm actually doing just fine.  I'm happy with my life.  It's hard and monotonous and stressful and messy at times (both figuratively and literally), but I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am well aware that for everything there is a time and a season -- and my mantra in parenting and life is 'it's just a phase'.  I'm in a phase right now -- it's kinda hard with the sick kids, the not sleeping, the overworked husband, and all the recovery stuff -- but there are plenty of evidences in my life that God loves me and is watching out for my family.  I should probably go and write some of those in my journal right now . . . dang, soon as I go change a poopy diaper . . .