I have passing thoughts on stuff I could blog about. I even start composing it in my head, preparing to sit up to the computer and start typing.
But then someone usually dumps a bowl of cereal on the carpet or has a blow out diaper.
Life's been busy.
I feel like I'm getting to a progressively better place emotionally in terms of recovery. But I'm left with this feeling of just being stuck. Trapped, almost. Sinking, maybe? Not strong feelings of these things, nothing overwhelming, they're just there and making me feel claustrophobic. It's not even by the porn stuff, though it plays a part. I'm at that stage in life with small children. Really small. And lots of 'em. :-) I wake up, nurse the baby, feed the kids, change diapers, clean messes. Lots of messes. Then there's more diapers. And more messes, and more diapers, and sometimes it's those diapers making messes outside of the confines of the diaper, and those messes are the worst. There's laundry that is never done, dishes that are never done, and cooking (ugh, the cooking) that is most definitely never done. My husband has been working a lot lately. Like ridiculous amounts. We've been busy with family events, there's just been a lot on our plates, and while the change of scenery has been nice as we've travelled hundreds of miles recently to various family functions, I feel like I spend most days locked inside the ever closing in walls of my house. It's almost not worth the effort to load four kids in to carseats and boosters to go anywhere, not to mention schedule outings around naps, and then handle public meltdowns when they happen -- so we stay home a lot. (Add to that my kids have all been passing around a nasty summer bug, and we've spent the last three weeks with at least one kid, usually more, too sick to even go out in public.) I feel cut off, I think. Last year J and I both had intensive Church callings, that while stressful, gave us links and connections with other people that I'm realizing that we're both feeling the loss of now that we both have different callings that require far fewer interactions with far fewer people in the Ward. I think I have some cabin fever going on here -- feeling isolated and trapped. I told J the other day that my world seems very, very 'small', and feels like it's getting smaller every day. The longer the kids are sick, the more hours J has to work, and the more behind I get behind on housework -- it all lends to this feeling like I'm stuck in this Groundhog's day where the only change is the color of my kids' snot and an ever growing pile of laundry.
I've also been stressing about my budget. I recently figured J's monthly group therapy costs into our budget, as well as the nearly $120 a month he's spending in gas to get to various meetings and group, and I started to cry. Between unexpected repair bills, aforementioned family stuffs, and life in general, we went $818 over budget last month. Ugh. We're fortunate enough that we have some backup in place to cover such overages, but I just realized that with therapy in the mix, not to mention the driving to and from such things, we have eliminated any and all wiggle room in our budget -- in fact, we're in the 'drawing money out of savings most months' zone, and it's stressing me out. And, just between you and me Internet, it's making me a tiny bit bitter about the money being spent on recovery. Which is stupid -- is there ANY better investment in our family than this!? And it's going well -- J is becoming this new person right in front of my eyes. He's open, transparent and vulnerable -- he reaches out to me and others -- emailing with and calling guys from group and from SA to lend support and comfort in their trials. And with the exception of one very minor slip almost two months ago, he's like 16 weeks into a sober recovery. After working long hours for way too many days straight, he was getting ready to go in to work late one Sunday night, and he pulled me aside before leaving and said, "Hey hon, when I was upstairs getting ready for work, I had this thought that I could just go look at porn, and nobody would have to know . . . I'm telling you this 'cause I don't want that to be my solution . . . I know I'm just bummed and a little angry that I have to work again, I'm tired and just done with work right now, and now I'm gonna have to work overnight and then sleep all day tomorrow . . . wanting to look at porn is just me wanting to escape how hard this last couple weeks of work have been, and there's better ways for me to do this . . . " Seriously, how is that not worth the money we're spending?
Now that I've spewed out my frustrations, I want you to know that I'm actually doing just fine. I'm happy with my life. It's hard and monotonous and stressful and messy at times (both figuratively and literally), but I have a lot to be grateful for. I am well aware that for everything there is a time and a season -- and my mantra in parenting and life is 'it's just a phase'. I'm in a phase right now -- it's kinda hard with the sick kids, the not sleeping, the overworked husband, and all the recovery stuff -- but there are plenty of evidences in my life that God loves me and is watching out for my family. I should probably go and write some of those in my journal right now . . . dang, soon as I go change a poopy diaper . . .
